Open Post: Hosted By Salma Hayek’s Flower Bolero

When I worked at Pottery Barn, the bane of my existence there were these silk flowers that terrorized nearly every inch of the store. I hated them and they hated me. I was the truth to their Bristol Palin. The customers loved those flowers, though. They used them for bridal bouquets, Christmas centerpieces, hair decorations, outdoor floral beds, etc… etc.. One woman even told me that she likes to buy a bundle of them just so she can stroll through the shopping area with them popping out of her bag like she just returned from a flower market in Paris. My plastered smile said “Thank you for the sale!!!” but my eyes said “You ain’t Belle and this ain’t a Disney movie, bitch.”

That shit wasn’t cheap either. People would spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars for some shit you could make with tracing paper and green pipe cleaners. I tried to let them know that for the same price they could get a chenille throw that’s softer than teddy bear’s taint. A throw that you can roll up in the summer and use it as a decorative accessory on a bookshelf in your living room (A manager actually told me to use that selling point. Fact.) But they never listened to me! They were crazy for fake flowers! I swear, when I get to the other side, I will find a field of lavender hydrangeas waiting for me. And a few seconds after I joyously frolic through them, thinking that I’ve made it to heaven, I’ll look down and see a Pottery Barn price tag on that shit. For me, nothing says “Welcome to Hell” like a fake flower from Pottery Barn.

But I will say that one way to get me to temporarily love silk flowers from Pottery Barn is to use them to frame Salma Hayek’s bountiful bosom.

Here’s Salma wearing a dress by Wilson’s Leather and Pottery Barn with Antonio Banderas at the Puss in Boots photocall in Cannes. Salma later returned that bolero to a PB tin bucket to sashay down the carpet for the premiere of Midnight in Paris.