Arnold Wants Maria Back

May 11, 2011 / Posted by:

The announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated after 25 years of marriage set off a thousand IThoughtTheyWereGoingToLastForevers, but apparently this has been a long time coming. Maria tried to evict The Schwarzenegger from her life two years ago, but then her mother passed away. Maria then tried again earlier this year, but her father. Everybody’s death kept screwing with her divorce plans! People are so selfish! But now, Maria has put all of her loved ones on the eternal life plan (Jack LaLanne juice, kitten videos and fleshlight aerobics) and is trying to make this divorce shit happen for real this time! On the other hand, Arnold isn’t ready to pry his dehydrated apricot claws off of Maria just yet. Arnold wants to make it work.

At an Israel Independence Day Celebration event in L.A. last night, Arnold declared his love for Maria and thanked those who have supported their decision. This speech would’ve been so much better if it was given by 3 titty prostitute from Total Recall.

“I just spoke to Maria an hour ago before I came here. We both were saying the same thing – we’re extremely blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people, by so many wonderful friends.

We both love each other very much. We’re very fortunate to have four extraordinary children. And we’re taking it one day at a time. The bottom line is we want to thank all the people for their great, great support.”

Thank you for that touching pair of paragraphs that we could’ve read in the “personal life” section of your Wikipedia bio. Thank you for that.

In that telephone conversation with Maria, Arnold might’ve hit her with the old Austrian plea for forgiveness which involved a lot of grunting, stomping and threats that he’ll turn her into a raven and steal her fritters. TMZ says that Arnold desperately wants Maria back and has promised to change his ways. Sources say that Maria’s main issues with Arnold are that his ego is bigger than his glazed chest dumplings and he can’t keep his dick in his pants. But Arnold is suddenly acting sweet and it’s confusing Maria. The source added, “Arnold has done a 180. He’s been really sweet to her since all this went down. Maria has been tortured over pulling the plug on the marriage. One day she’s determined to get the hell out, and the next day she just can’t do it.

Isn’t this how it usually works? One minute, the bastard would rather make out with a pile of dried dog poo than touch you. Then as soon as you deliver his quittin’ papers, he’s got his non-lips all over you and is begging you to let him lick off the residue of pain he left on your skin. Don’t fall for it, Maria! Arnold is only using you as a front to the hide the fact that he’s working for an underground agency called The Omega Sector that’s headed by a one-eyed Charlton Heston. I seen dis in a movie! But seriously, we should all hope that they make it work. If two bacon-wrapped skeleton people can’t make it, none of us can!

And here’s Arnold trying to make out with some lady’s neck in Beverly Hills yesterday. Or maybe he’s trying to fish out her wallet.

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