And here we are again with another episode of “Who Co-Created The Fetus In January Jones’ Womb?”
UsWeekly has already taken Jason Sudeikis’ name out of the ring leaving Bobby Flay in there alone. There’s also a chance that Ashton Kutcher’s dumb fuck sperm made a wrong turn, got lost and finally found the right spot 10 years later. This is a possibility. But E! News got a tip from an unnamed source who claims that January Jones got down low messy with a dude she met on the set of X-Men: First Class. The source said that the man she did movie set sex with is the father of her child. That narrows it down to at least 200 possibilities! We’re getting closer to knowing something that is totally not our business. YAY!
Now, I took a handful of candidates, analyzed their bios and came up with the scientific odds (that I yanked out of my ass) of them being the father. We’re off!
Kevin Bacon (plays Sebastian Shaw)
Marital Status: Married to Kyra Sedgwick
Odds: 400-1 = You are NOT the father!
Matthew Vaughn (the director)
Marital Status: Married to Claudia Schiffer
Odds: 5-1 = You might be the father. Stay in your seat.
Jason Flemyng (plays Azazel)
Marital Status: MARRIED!
Odds: 1000-1 = We aren’t even wasting our Southwest miles to fly you out for the show.
Nicholas Hoult (plays Beast)
Marital Status: Single and he might be dating that Jennifer Lawrence chick.
Odds: 36-1 = You can sit in the fourth row in the audience just in case we need you.
Michael Fassbender (plays Magneto)
Marital Status: Single.
Odds: 2-1 = You ARE the father! And if you are not the father, pull off them panties and I’ll make you the father of my prostate baby.
Edi Gathegi (plays Darwin)
Marital Status: Unknown
Odds: 23-1 = January fucking wishes.
James McAvoy (plays Professor Charles Xavier)
Marital Status: Married with child!
Odds: 472 – 1 = You are NOT the father, because you know that if you were the father half of the female population would turn on you and you’d never work in any town again!
Oliver Platt (plays Man in Black)
Marital Status: Married with children!
Odds: 1-1 = Who can fucking resist?
Alex Gonzalez (plays Riptide)
Marital Status: Unknown.
Odds: 1-1 = See above.
According to results, the father is either Alex Gonzalez, Oliver Platt, Michael Fassbender, Matthew Vaughn, one of the production assistants, the dude who made omelets on Saturdays at craft services or none of them! Or maybe January really wants concrete proof that she’s 1 degree away from Kevin Bacon. That will make her the life of every party. It’s official! The Bacon did it!
And here’s January Jones taking Baby Bacon to Houston’s in Pasadena yesterday.