Simon Cowell Is No Longer "The Mean One"

The titty semen that dripped out of Simon Cowell's succulent nipples after reuniting with his soulmate Paula Abdul weren't the only drops of liquid that were shed at the X-Factor auditions in L.A. yesterday. Yesterday was the first day Simon Cowell, L.A. Reid, Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul sat at the judge's table together. And apparently, a new dream crushing asshole monster was born and made Simon Cowell seem every shade of nice by comparison. The Hollywood Reporter says that every letter the post office gets that's addressed to "The Devil" will now be forwarded to L.A. Reid.

L.A. didn't waste any time in showing his cunt colors and he had a little help from the audience. You see, contestants have to audition in front of an audience who have been told to BOO a bitch when necessary. Yup, the #itgetsbetter project will now switch its focus to helping bullied and rejected X-Factor contestants.

A source says that the second auditioner of the day was a 52-year-old woman who started to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" before Paula told her to do something different. Simon told her to sing "Hero" but the woman went with some Martina McBride song instead. And that's when the cunts started to bite. From The Hollywood Reporter:

The audience, who had been encouraged by Cowell before auditions started to express their opinions about the auditioners, started booing and yelling "next!"

She then said she would sing "Hero" but instead switched back to "Independence Day."

"I'd finish one," Abdul told her. "You've got 10 seconds, pick the song you want."

The audience started counting back from 10 and then booed throughout her entire performance.

The aspiring singer prompted harsh criticism, especially from Reid.

"When was the last time you performed? Eighteen years ago?" Reid asked. "Whatever made you stop then, you should've stuck with that decision."

That was arguably harsher than Cowell's take: "It's very brave, and I don't mean this disrespectfully, but you're someone who should be singing at home."

So if you ever want your soul crushed in 5-seconds or less and all the spots at the local junior high school talent show are filled, just audition for X-Factor!

But for real, one of the reasons why I hardly watch American Idol anymore is because they are too nice. It's unnatural. Even their criticisms are wrapped in fluffy pink cream. If a reality show judge can't tell you that you fucking suck, who can (answer: an abuelita)?! That is why L.A. Reid sounds like a breath of fresh bitch air. Besides, I doubt the woman heard L.A. Reid's comment since she was too busy fearing that the crazed Day-Glo lion staring at her would leap from the judge's table and attack her ass.

Splash, Bauer Griffin

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by RedPeggy on Wed, 05/11/2011 - 1:38pm.

Can I have an AMEN for all the Cheryl disses. I'm English and have put up with her being shoved down my throat CONSTANTLY by Simon and his money-machine. I am assured daily that she is my nation's 'sweetheart' yet I don't know a soul who actually likes her, or her (ahem) 'music'. Now I get told how excited I am for Cheryl to make it big in America and how sad I am that England has 'lost' her. I am confused. Because I loathe her. She punched a toilet attendant, WAGged herself about the place and had lots of surgery and a 'professionally famous' makeover. I am well aware that Cowell is trying to PR her all over the place and I hate it! And her! I would say keep her - but then we'll always get to 'share'. So I say vote her the hell out of there so she and Simon are both made a mockery of and maybe, just maybe, we will hear less about her.

Submitted by TexnDoc on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 8:25pm.

<"Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:37am.
Is it required that every talent show have a black, bald male judge of questionable heterosexuality now?">

Seriously. Is this the guy who when Michael K has clips from the German version is the bald black guy who's job it is to get all bug-eyed and clutch his pearls?

Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 7:26pm.

This is why I like "The Voice". The contestants have been vetted so that only the most promising talents get through, and the judges have been respectful even when turning someone down. I've been really impressed with Christina A - her comments are insightful and offer constructive advice (maybe written for her, who knows?), but the show demonstrates that judges don't have to be a horror of a human being to someone who only wants a chance to prove themself.
__________________________
Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!! - MK 4/9/11

Submitted by literarylioness on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 6:58pm.

I guess LA Reid wants everyone to know he is not Randy Jackson. Who the hell is Cheryl Cole? I hope they send her back like they did that other chick from AI.

Submitted by GreenFairy on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 5:07pm.

Cheryl is nothing but an insufferable, uneducated, trashy chaf, who beats bathroom attendants unrecognizable over a $1.00 tip!

How did this piece of white trash even get into the US with an assault and battery charge on her rap sheet?

She never showed any kind of remorse for her actions. That alone speaks volumes on what kind of person she is.

I hope Americans are not fool enough to embrace this entitled and over hyped, manufactured non-talent creature :o(

Submitted by Starqz on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 1:49pm.

There was some internet page I was reading about people who have met celebrites in real life and everyone in the UK who has met Cheryl Cole in person said she was a hateful, stuck up cunt. Don't know a lot about her over here but peeps in England apparantly don't like her ass..

Submitted by RockstarDani on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 1:45pm.

Looks like this show's becoming the new American Idol with the pop culture judges, everyone talking about it, etc. etc. ... Looks like AI has been getting all kinds of upstaged lately. Even "the Voice" with Xtina and cee-loo (typo and it stays) seems more interesting these days...then again, i do not even have a tv, so i wouldn't know.

"I make myself sick, Get on my own nerves. Immature, insecure,Grown up nerd."
-Fat lip (The Pharcyde)

Submitted by Regina on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 12:10pm.

Cheryl Cunt needs to fuck off already. Perhaps she should take her awful wigs with her, too.

Submitted by bexicle on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 12:10pm.

Cheryl Cole is a cunt, talentless and fake.

I urge anyone in America who interviews her, to ask her why she has never apologised for beating a woman or not admitting the crime was her fault.

Cheryl, Paula, more even, probably have dirt knowing Simon's gay and blackmail him for work.

Submitted by PansyP on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 11:58am.

Has noone in the States heard about Cheryl's toilet attendant punching incident yet?

Submitted by NOT IMPRESSED on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 11:47am.

Cheryl Cole looks hideous. And WHY do they keep trying to make her "happen" over here? We're not interested in another useless "hot" girl.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Douchechill!

Submitted by ILovePapaSmurf on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 11:43am.

"Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 12:06pm.

ILovePapaSmurf
*************************************

Aw! If it's any consolation I was a bitch to my daughter yesterday too - I kept it together pretty good for most of the day but everything she does makes work for me - and she tried to do a lot! And I lost it for a moment there...She totally should have gotten us tickets to X-factor."

I would have given you guys my tickets had I known they would have gone to good use. *sigh* I wanted to state at Simon. lol.
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.

I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."

Submitted by Whatever on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 11:36am.

Paula and Simon together again? YAWN! Shows like this are so played out.

Submitted by vegaschick on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 11:04am.

I have to shamefully admit that I loved Girls Aloud when I used to travel to the UK for work. I would watch their videos on the Box and dance around my hotel room.

Submitted by Ding_Dong on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:48am.

Cheryl Cole does nothing for me. She is a trashy ass bitch. Paula better put her in her place

Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:43am.

Submitted by from athens : "reality television and these type of talent shows can be entertaining especially when stoned,but i think it's bad for the soul,dehumanizing shit all over the place sometimes i feel depressed after these messes maybe that's the purpose,who knows."

I was just thinking this about "Mob Wives". These dumb broads are just so pathetic it hurts. I feel so sorry for them. They know something is wrong, but they can't figure out what.

Submitted by Flynn on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:37am.

I thought that was Rupaul

Submitted by from athens on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:36am.

reality television and these type of talent shows can be entertaining especially when stoned,but i think it's bad for the soul,dehumanizing shit all over the place sometimes i feel depressed after these messes maybe that's the purpose,who knows.

Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:36am.

ILovePapaSmurf
*************************************

♥ Threadkilla!
Pose Like a Chola:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUWN3wBUGr8

Submitted by ILovePapaSmurf on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:32am.

I won tickets to see a taping of the XFactor yesterday, but forgot it was Mother's Day when I entered. I wanted to go, but since my mom has been going through "the change" for the past decade - fucking eh - I didn't want to upset her. So I ended up spending the afternoon being bombarded with questions about why I'm still single and childless. A very Happy Mother's Day for her (but would have been better with a grandchild present, according to her). Bitch.
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.

I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:23am.

I'm not digging Cheryl's bouffant hairdo. Why can't the pretty ones leave well enough alone?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Who are you calling silly cow?

Submitted by Serafina on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:06am.

But Cheryl's outfit is awful. She looks like a day-glo pixie.

Submitted by Serafina on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:04am.

I heard Cheryl Cole speak for the 1st time. UGH. Almost as bad as Carrie Underwood.
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It's just an accent, people will get used to it. She's from the north of England and sounds like it. Simon is from the south.

Submitted by MzSassy on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:57am.

I've never seen a goddamn eposide of American Idol OR X-Factor and I have no regrets about it!! :-P~~

"If tommorrow was a gift, what would you do with it?"

Submitted by TheBreakdown on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:50am.

Did Cheryl cole get abducted by Rainbow Brite?!

***************************************
Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:46am.

thanks RichBitch, but I'll pass. I don't care who she is. :)

**********************************************
I'm the one with no soul
One above and one below
-Hole

Submitted by Suzy Farkis on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:42am.

I cannot believe Cheryl Cole was styled that way. Obviously her people think huge hair is the key to success stateside, and that outfit is straight out of the early 90s. That is not a fresh way to colour block!

Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:39am.

yeah, but . . . let me first say that I hate reality TV with a passion. I've seen exactly 2 episodes of American Idol, and even I know enough to know that if this show is run by and starring Simon Cowell, I'd better prepare myself to take the heat because it could get ugly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate

Submitted by RichBitch on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:39am.

If you wanna know who Cheryl Cole is watch this: http://youtu.be/k9PbzJwHSFM

Some really good Girls Aloud singles:
The Promise: http://youtu.be/y3qxUqwrNDA
Something Kinda Ooooh!: http://youtu.be/oxDHT-SMVlM
Biology: http://youtu.be/a1DyG3e05oQ

and her solo hit Fight for this Love:
http://youtu.be/XMiy_UsrPDs

ps. She's nothing but a geordie thug, hate the bitch but love me some Girls Aloud! ;)

Submitted by spankypants on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:31am.

Simon needs one of Frank Costanza's mansierres.

Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:28am.

All I know about Cheryl Cole and her husband (ex-husband? the soccer dude?) is that they're both shameless new money trash.

Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:27am.

When you chop his head off Simon looks like a pretty hot (albeit hairy) lesbian.

♥ Threadkilla!
Pose Like a Chola:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUWN3wBUGr8

Submitted by RichBitch on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:27am.

Bring on the cuntery I say.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:25am.

Submitted by Dolly_D on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 10:49am.
Simon has bigger tits than I do!
-------------------

pics or you're lyin
_____________________________________________
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You fucking cunt." ~ the delicate Sweetas 04/21/11

Submitted by Athina on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:23am.

Whatever. Another stupid singing contest. Who watches this boring ass shit? The run commercials every 10 minutes. I just don't have the patience.

And who is Cheryl Cole? Never heard of this bitch and her huge 80's mall hair head.

Submitted by M.E. on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:22am.

Who the fuck is Cheryl Cole?

Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:20am.

Standing O@SoulTaker!

♥ Threadkilla!
Pose Like a Chola:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUWN3wBUGr8

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:20am.

Manimal - http://img.timeinc.net/time/daily/2007/0709/male_breasts_0919.jpg

_____________________________________________
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You fucking cunt." ~ the delicate Sweetas 04/21/11

Submitted by Dolly_D on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:19am.

Simon has bigger tits than I do!

*************

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
— William Goldman

Submitted by SoulTaker on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:19am.

People yell about bullying in schools and kids who are "mean" to other kids, but what do the kids see? Shit like this, where adults treat other adults disrespectfully and assholism is encouraged and cheered. Bunch of hypocrites. Our society is getting more openly cruel and desensitized (despite the rampant PC mentality) every year. Reality TV will have a "The Running Man" type of show within 10 years at this rate.

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:18am.

Oh Jack, you went there!

*spank!*

Submitted by icallbs on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:15am.

if he's really that mean all the time, it's no wonder pebbles ran for the hills.

Submitted by Manimal5 on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:13am.

Do they make man bras? American Idol is a wussy fest now!

Submitted by Sweetas on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:13am.

Thumb 5: "we must, we must, we must increase our bust"

Submitted by Morbidosity on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:11am.

GAWD!!! How I hate reality tv and the hos on it.

╚══════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ═══════════════╝
Yeah, Fuck it.

Submitted by parkerj on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:10am.

Simon should look into getting those manboobs downsized.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:10am.

LOL Breakdown... I'm positive I won't be able to understand a word she says... I needed fucking subtitles with Sherlock Holmes <--- true story.
_____________________________________________
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You fucking cunt." ~ the delicate Sweetas 04/21/11

Submitted by chaka1 on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:09am.

Simon looks horrible...

Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:07am.

Is it required that every talent show have a black, bald male judge of questionable heterosexuality now?

And while it's not nice for the audience to boo, contestants should be able to take criticism. By now, everyone should understand how these shows work.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 9:06am.

TEAM UNEDUMUHCATED THUGS!!

*sticks tongue out at LOOSE-IF-HER*
_____________________________________________
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You fucking cunt." ~ the delicate Sweetas 04/21/11