Meredith Vieira Officially Quits Today

May 9, 2011 / Posted by:

In an announcement we all saw coming, Meredith Vieira got a little teary in the eyes this morning when she told the Today Show’s viewers that she’s quitting that bitch after 5 years in June to spend more quality time with her husband and children. Meredith will no longer spend her mornings verbally yanking at Matt Lauer’s nuts and trying to figure out how Ann Curry’s eyebrows came to be. Stonehenge brows is the make-up department’s nickname for the shit Ann has over her eyes. But on to Meredith’s announcement.

“This is a difficult day for me. I’m going to try to hold myself together here. After months of personal reflection and private conversations with my family and my friends I’ve decided to leave Today in June. Even as I say this, and I know it’s the right thing, I’m really sad because for the past, I like to say 10 years, this has been my second home.

I’ve really had a great time, but time is one of those weird things you can never get enough of it. It just keeps ticking away. I know I want to spend mine with my husband Richard and kids who are now rolling their eyes and going, ‘No more time, mom.’ But I’m going to do it anyway. It means I can’t be here every day. I hope to stay in the NBC family that is my goal.”

Ann Curry will replace Meredith, Natalie Morales will replace Ann and Savannah Guthrie will replace Natalie.

It isn’t a good morning until Ann Curry says it fifty times and nobody can read the news like she can (I’m lying), but her celebrity interviews are just a pile of lukewarm cheese vomit. Like this morning, NeNe Leakes was on (SPOILER ALERT) to talk about how she quit Celebrity Apprentice because the environment was just too toxic for her. Blah. Blah. Blah. And Ann actually faked sympathy by throwing NeNe an “awww” followed by a comforting knee grab. ANN! A stupid reality ho quitting a stupid reality show does not deserve a manufactured “aww.” It deserves an eye roll followed by the line, “Oh, I’ll tell the surviving victims of Chernobyl that they should stop their whining and pray for you to recover from the toxic poisoning you’re suffering through.”

There’s going to be many looooong mornings now that I’m waking up to Ann.

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