White Oprah, the Underground Drug Dealers Association’s mother of every year, was generous enough to share her parenting tips with The Daily Beast to help other single mothers raise upstanding citizens of society like she has. Basically, what I’m guessing is that The Daily Beast meant to run this feature on April Fools Day but forgot and is running it on Mother’s Day Weekend instead! From one daily beast to another:
On Being a Single Mom: “The secret to single parenting is to just teach them what you can teach them … And you pray that instills in them for the rest of their life. You let them go, and if they fall, you’re there to pick them up.”
Translation: The secret to single parenting is to whore them out every chance you get. I didn’t stretch my snatch out for nothing! WHORE. THOSE. LITTLE. FUCKERS. OUT. Do you really want to work? Read my nostrils when I say that it’s much more fun to do body shots with the crew in your kid’s trailer than to work like other losers! …..And you pray that they never OD so they can pay your bar tab for the rest of YOUR life. If they fall, you call the paparazzi to capture their fall and then you only help them up after you’ve given the exclusive to Inside Edition. I’m LIKETHIS with Debbie Norville.
On Discipline: “The boys got into more mischief. Lindsay, I’m trying to think… she was always good in school and was like my little buddy. She never really got into too much mischief young. She was a late bloomer.”
Translation: THE BOYS! THE BOYS! Lordhelpmejesus. The boys don’t bring in as much dough, so I just welded a condom onto them and pray they don’t knock anything up! I means, can you imagine this high ball of sexiness as a grandmother to a bunch of screaming brats? Illegal, I tell you. Holdup. How much do you think Life & Style would pony up for an exclusive picture of me hugging the sonogram scan of my grandbaby’s face? MAH! MAH! Yank those condoms off the boys! What were we talking about again? Are you going to drink that? Where am I?
On Being in the Spotlight: “No child’s perfect. They’re going to get into trouble, whether it’s big or small. Unfortunately, we’re a global name so they know about it in Indonesia. But just be there for your child, and if you see signs that they’re doing things they shouldn’t be doing, get them help.”
Translation: I hear that in Jakarta there’s a stripper who shoots lychee Jell-O shots out of her hooha and her stage name is, get ready for it, DINA LOHAN! Can you believe that? I’m world famous!
Now, I’m not a parent, but I think I speak for all parents when I say that the secret to good parenting is to do the complete opposite of everything White Oprah has done.