The “Scientology Wants Lindsay Lohan” Story We Knew Was Coming

May 6, 2011 / Posted by:

Now that Lindsay Lohan has been confirmed for a role in that busted wreck of a movie starring John Travolta, it was only a matter of time before he got the idea to try to convert her from her current religion, Coke-olicism, to Scientology. The story goes that the producers of Gotti: Three Generations didn’t want LiLo, but John pulled his fist out of a Dominican man culito for a quick second, shook off the…um…butt placenta and used it to fight for her. John thinks he can knock LiLo’s coke-craving thetans off her deep fried carcass forever! Oh, please. John just wants somebody to bond with down in the Scientology wig and weave library.

A source tells The National Enquirer (via Entertainmentwise) that LiLo has already signed up for an orientation course at the Scientology Center per John’s advice, Even though producers were hesitant to hire Lindsay because of her troubled past. Travolta assured them he’d take her under his wing. John introduced Lindsay to one of the church’s top counselors and – even though she’s been cast in a new role and won’t play the star’s daughter in the flick – she’s assured him she’ll still attend the series of induction classes that will make her a Scientologist.

Normally, we’d grab onto a trick like Sarah in Cliffhanger if the Scientology volcano tried to suck them in, but is this such a bad idea? Instead of using whatever is left of her money to buy White Oprah vodka enemas, her money would go towards shushing up Tommy Girl’s paid boy whores. Not a bad use of money. Instead of getting fed the delusions of a crazy mother, she’d eat the delusions of a crazy alien. And she’d have to cut that crazy mother off. And AND she’d get some much-needed styling advice from Suri Cruise. And and AND there’s a good chance she’d bring down the entire Scientology Center after making their strongest e-meter machine explode during her audit. I don’t see a problem with this.

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