Today is the day that you make your annual cyber journey to FTD to rush your mom a bouquet of tri-colored carnations that will be delivered in the glass vase she will never ever throw away even if it’s as brittle as the cracked glue that holds LeAnn Rimes Cibrian’s shame together. It’s also the day that chronic Twitterrhea sufferer LeAnn wishes you all a HAPPY BONUS MOTHER’S DAY!
“Happy Mother’s day weekend to all the Mom’s out there. The “Bonus Moms’, Godmother’s, Grandmothers and anyone who is a woman who helps love and raise children.”
You know, I did not know what a bonus mother was until I had to Google it for a clue. It goes way back and was invented by a stepmother who didn’t like the negative label of “stepmother.” Some think of a stepmother as a wicked cunt of a woman who will throw you a bitch eye while she kisses your daddy. I get it. But no. If my stepmother asked me to call her “Bonus Mom,” I’d give her a bonus in the form a dry heave.
“Bonus Mom” sounds like the title of a really bad 1980s comedy starring Dabney Coleman as an asshole boss who promises his longtime assistant (played by Andrew McCarthy) a bonus and promotion to drive his overbearing, planephobic monster-in-law (played by Maureen Stapleton) cross country to a family reunion. Of course, they will unwittingly getting into the wrong rental car at a rest stop and quickly find a suitcase full of money and drugs in the trunk. The rental car’s rightful owners, a pair of crooks (played by Cathy Moriarty and David Keith), chase them all over the country and mayhem ensues. In the end, Andrew McCarthy doesn’t get that bonus, but he gets something even better: the love of a strong woman (Maureen Stapleton). TWIST!
Actually, since I put it that way….