Who The Hell Is Naming Their Baby After A Teen Mom?

May 5, 2011 / Posted by:

The Social Security Administration released their annual list of the most popular baby names in the country and the top 10 has pretty much remained unchanged from last year. Jacob and Isabella continue to reign at the top followed by Ethan, Sophia, Michael, Emma, Jayden, Olivia, William, Ava, Alexander, Emily, Noah, Abigail, Daniel, Madison, Aiden, Chloe, Anthony and Mia.

That reads like the roll call list of every private pre-school in the Boston area. This list also confirms that I will once again suffer through dozens of whiplash accidents after some ho screams out “MICHAEL!!!” to her brat in the grocery store. You’d think that by now I’d only respond to my adopted first name of HO and my adopted last name of ORE, but I can’t help it. It’s a tick. If you ever want to fuck some shit up, just shout “MICHAEL!!!” into a crowd and watch a wave of dumb ass Michaels crack their neck bones from whipping around. It can be your new favorite sport.

The SSA also released the names that jumped the furthest up the list. These are names that are usually popular in pop culture. That list is as follows:

1. Maci
2. Giuliana
3. Tiana
4. Quinn
5. Adalynn

1. Bentley
2. Kellan
3. Knox
4. Enzo
5. Karter

Maci is the name of one of MTV’s Teen Moms and Bentley is her son’s name. Kellan is probably popular because of human muscle Kellan Lutz and Knox of course is one of Brangelina’s chosen twins. Lauren Wattenberg, an expert on baby names, predicts that 2011 will see even more lop-headed hos naming their babies after reality stars. Lauren put it like this to MSNBC: “This will be the year people pay attention to the effect that reality TV has on baby names. A pregnant teenager is America’s top name-style maven. We like names that feel familiar, but we don’t actually know anybody with that name. Familiar but fresh.”

I’m really not one to bitch since if I had a kid I’d name them Cristal Nomi, but Showgirls is the most important cinematic experience ever produced and Teen Mom is merely one of MTV’s crotch berries that will pop in a few months and disappear forever. But you know what won’t disappear? The tragic fact that you named your baby after one of those whores!

But I am not losing complete faith in our people. There are no signs of Snooki on the list and I’m just going to tell myself that people named their child Bentley after Bentley from The Jeffersons and not after a baby from Teen Mom.

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