The Conan: The Barbarian reboot (whatever that is) is right on course to becoming this generation’s Masters of the Universe. Meaning that it will be awful, will flop and will be enjoyed by yours truly with a full bong at midnight when it comes out Starz. (Note: My 8-year-old self didn’t enjoy Masters of the Universe with a full bong. If my memory serves me right, I enjoyed it with a full bottle of Orbitz soda. I think. So there’s no need to call Child Protective Services on my mom’s ass a million years after the fact. Actually, maybe you should, because that would be funny. Record and YouTube it!).
There is a twinkle in this dull mound crap, though. No, I’m not talking about Jason Momoa’s caramel kiss nipples. I’m talking about Rose McGowan as some sort of villain alieness who has an infinityhead like Kristen Wiig’s Baby Hands character and a yarn wig like Raggedy Anne. Basically, she’s the white Rihanna. Watch her in action.
If this mess came out 20 years ago, my friend Armando and I would both have a Rose McGowan action figure and we’d both be fighting over who gets to be her when we play Conan: The Barbarian in the sandbox. Some stupid little ass girl in our group would say, “But I want to be her. I’m a girl.” “SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF HERE!,” Armando and I would say in unison.