Two of the biggest international news stories of the year hit this past week (I’m talking about the answer to the question “How do astronauts shit?” and Princess Bea’s fallopian hat) and InTouch Weekly still chooses to cover the ongoing recycled drama between Brangelina!!! We should all be comforted by the fact that no matter what happens in the world, come Wednesday Brangie drama will be staring back at us on the cover of some tabloid. The country could sink into the dark abyss on a Saturday, and by Wednesday morning a tabloid cover with the headline “A HEARTBROKEN BRAD SWIMS BACK INTO THE ARMS OF JEN!!!” would magically float to the top of the ocean. The last cockroach on this planet will be killed by a slap from a rolled-up UsWeekly with Brangie drama on the cover. This we know. But enough about that, on to THE REAL NEWS!
A source tells InTouch that the halls of the Church of Brangelina are haunted by the orgasmic screams of Angie Jo’s lesbian lovers. While Brad is off saving New Orleans and shooting movies, Angie is scissoring until her halo is knocked off her head. The source says that Angie has a harem of lezzies who regularly meet her at The Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. Angie uses the hotel as her personal side-piece dungeon and doesn’t even bring luggage when she checks in. Angie stays for only a few hours and never uses any of the hotel’s amenities. The source went on to say this mess: “[She has a] string of female lovers that she hooks up with from time to time. In her mind, it’s just sex.”
But just because Angie is clitoris wrestling at the Roosevelt, doesn’t mean she’s not getting on Brad. A different source says that she’s always making the water splash with Brad in the sex grotto on the grounds of their Los Feliz mansion.
To recap: Angie has lots of lezzie sex at the Roosevelt Hotel “behind Brad’s back” and then has lots of goat sex with Brad in the grotto. The Saint of Nymphos!
But really, Angie knows how to do it. She has hot dildo sex with her down-low lesbian lovers at the hotel and then goes home to do Brad in the grotto. Angie doesn’t even have to worry about wiping the scent of burnt rubber and random coochie cream off herself, because the chlorine water in the grotto will do that for her!