Jesse James Boo Hoos Over Not Seeing Baby Louis

Vanilla Gorilla packed up his whore couch and swastika nipple charms and moved from California to Austin, Texas so that his daughter Sunny could spend more time Sandra Bullock and so that he could bask in Baby Louis’ impeccable side-eye action. This is not how it’s playing out. VG is bawling into his crying cloth, because Baby Louis is picking up the phone and slamming it down when he calls. Baby Louis will not bless VG by throwing a shank eye at him live and in person. That would make me weep too, actually.

Vanilla Gorilla’s got a memoir to whore out and he sat down with Vicki Mabrey of Nightline to talk about what life has been like since shit (being his dick) hit the shit (being Bombshell McGee). Even though VG and Sandra inhale the same Texas oxygen, he’s barely seen her face and she’s only hung out with Sunny twice. Get your shit a floatie and ride on the pool of herp pus tears that flowed out of VG’s eyes:

“I’ve never seen Louis since everything happened, so a year. Sunny has only seen Sandra couple of times, but there has been no contact at all for several months.

I could only cry so much about [Louis] until I have to suck it up and keep a stiff upper lip and realize, Hey, [there are] three kids that I do have. I need to take care of them and not worry about the one that I don’t, you know, and I think that’s the lesson.

[Moving to Texas and closing West Coast Choppers was a way] to get out of California. I think I was just dad again. And like, eliminated all of the things that distracted me from being a dad. … I think we’re all connecting better. I think for the first time in their lives, they can depend on me to be there and I think the life here is better, you know, for the family.”

My stepmother was a one-legged cunt witch (no relation to Heather Mills) who served us half-baked almond cookies and made us sleep on her living room floor with just couch cushions and scratchy throws (WORSE THAN PRISON!), so I pretty much hopped a jig when she moved far far away and never contacted us again. But if the one-legged cunt witch gave me a real pillow to sleep on and served me fully baked almond cookies, I would’ve been sort of sad to never talk her again. However, I’m sure it would’ve been awkward for her to serve me fully baked almond cookies while looking into the face that is directly connected to the man who fucked his side pieces in her guest bathroom. I don’t know. But I do know that Sunny is lucky that her daddy picked up Kat Von D so she has a new female figure to look up to. I’m sure they’ll bond when Kat gives Sunny her first neck tattoo in a couple of months.