Daily Archives: May 3, 2011

Guess Who Is Still A Mess?

May 3, 2011 / Posted by:

Oh, Andy Dick. Can’t just go to a restaurant, sip on his soda water through a straw and sit politely with his thirst for drunken foolery tucked safely away. Nope. Andy continued to fight his demons (Note: “fight his demons” is the bad sheep second cousin of “over the moon”) by trying to drown them out with alcohol and scare them away by causing a scene in a public place. Another week, another story about Andy Dick ruining somebody’s meal.

Radar says that the police were called to a restaurant in Temecula, CA last night after Andy conducted himself in a disorderly way while under the influence of booze. I’m sure Andy pissed in the corner, stuck his dick in somebody’s burrito and did a shot off of a stranger’s head without asking. The usual!

Andy was charged with misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct with alcohol and dried out in the tank before he was released on $500 bail.

On a positive note, Andy’s mug shot is the best I’ve seen him look in a long time. It must be the silver fuzzy butt chin that’s drawing me in. You know I get weak for silver fuzzy butts (see: Mah Boo).

And the next time Andy wants to have a good time, he should just hook up with these old dudes instead of terrorizing a restaurant with his acts of drunken assholery.

This is totally what will happen you if hide your Ecstasy pills in your daddy’s Viagra bottle.

Andre Leon Talley Leads The Fuckery Parade At The MET Gala

May 3, 2011 / Posted by:

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America’s Next Top Model) and he really didn’t disappoint at last night’s MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University’s mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There’s room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn’t the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night’s goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked “Morticia’s freakum dresses” in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she’s been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson’s dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon’s Talley’s glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr’s mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle’s balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi’s slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh’s prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… I’m just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she’s at a HoJo’s Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can’t say one mean thing about Basement Baby’s look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.

This Is Just Stupid

May 3, 2011 / Posted by:

It’s one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it’s another to stuff herself so tight that you can’t even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night’s Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick’s purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!

Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would’ve knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would’ve set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!

You can’t even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you’d be all sorts of naked. It’s not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you’re an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don’t care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves “Should I trip her? Should I trip her?” while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.

Rest In Peace, Yvette Vickers

May 3, 2011 / Posted by:

Yvette Vickers, a Playboy Playmate and B-movie star of Attack of the 50 Foot Woman and Attack of the Giant Leeches, was discovered dead and mummified in her Beverly Hills home last week. Yvette was 82.

The authorities believe that Yvette might have been dead in her home for about a year. Not one soul checked in on Yvette until her neighbor Susan Savage noticed that something in the milk wasn’t clean. There were cobwebs all over Yvette’s front door and a stack of mail had started to yellow. Susan broke into Yvette’s house and found her. This leads me to quietly type out an extra long “the heeeeeeeeeeeell.

The L.A. Times reports that the coroner is trying to determine a cause of death, but her mummified state tells them that she most likely passed away a year ago. They don’t believe foul play had a part in Yvette’s death.

Susan told the Times that when she broke into Yvette’s house through a window, there was stuff everywhere and when she entered a room upstairs she found a completely unrecognizable Yvette on the floor. The cordless phone was knocked off of its cradle and a small space heater in the room was still on. Susan says that the entire neighborhood has been crying and feels awful that Yvette died alone. Susan added, “She kept to herself, had friends and seemed like a very independent spirit. To the end she still got cards and letter from all over the world requesting photos and still wanting to be her friend.”

There are so many questions jumping through my head over this one. Who was paying the bills (damn you, automatic bill pay)?! Why didn’t the postman ring twice when he noticed that Yvette’s front door area started to look like the inside of an IRS agent’s office (complete with cobwebs and that sinking lonely feeling)? What brand of space heater did Yvette use, because it’s sort of impressive that it stayed on that long? Is Susan a New Yorker to the core, because who doesn’t check on their neighbors when their front yard starts to look like an accidental homage to The Munsters mansion? Most neighbors would knock on the door, but not because they want to see if the person is alright. But because they want to yell at them to mow their lawn before property values start to drop.

What a shot of sadness. But I’d like to think that Yvette went peacefully. I’d also like to think that after you die, you really don’t give a shit that you died alone since you’re playing Jenga with the angels up in heaven.

Rest in peace, Yvette.

Tags: ,
SHARE

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 2nd!

May 3, 2011 / Posted by:

The annual Keebler Elves Solar Eclipse gang bang is no joke. – TheBreakdown

Runners-up:

In a last bid to stay relevant, the Travelocity gnome poses for Playgirl. – starvis

Human yard decorations are all the rage, you should see my Heather Mills lawn flamingo. – Provolone

I will still probably get massages. I may even still get the occasional “Happy Ending.” But as God is my witness this is the LAST time I ever get the “Tijuana Troll and Testicle Treatment!” – citizenstrange

Original source: Greg Endries/My Dirty Lens via Poorly Dressed

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 3, 2011 / Posted by:

Gary Weddle, the junior high school science teacher East Wenatchee, Washington who threw all of his razors into the trash right after 9/11 and vowed to never ever shave until Osama bin Laden was either killed or captured. If you can’t beat ’em, grow a beard with ’em. I guess.

After nearly 10 years of shuffling around while looking like a part-time Cat Stevens impersonator who knows all too well what beard dingles smell like, Gary finally got the call on May 1st from a friend who let him know to pop the shaving cream and razor off that flowing fall of goat pubes on his face! Gary started hacking off his beard with a pair of scissors even before President Obama made the official announcement. Yes, he started to shave it off without confirming the news as true life! This is how you know that Gary’s friends are respectful of his ridiculous stunts. If Gary was my friend or relative, I would’ve pranked his ass with a fake Osama death years ago, and then I would’ve burped out a “psych” halfway through his shaving so he could walk the earth with a horizontal beard mullet on his face. But Gary’s friends are better than me.

Gary isn’t getting branded with the Hot Slut label because he didn’t shave his beard for 10 years. Gary is getting it because he has made a silent vow to never update his “creepy neighbor circa 1982″ glasses. And because when it finally came time to hack the beard, he used a bright pink razor that most likely touched his wife’s pits only days before.

Even Conan O’Brien didn’t use a pink razor when he shaved his ginger forest of follicles last night!

via Mediate

SHARE

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >