Open Post: Hosted By Fantasia

Over the weekend, the air in New Orleans was filled with toe corn dust and the thick mist of sweat that Fantasia births out when she squats to hit a high note. Fanny stomped her weathered feets and nearly blew the Calico cat wig off of her head while performing at the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival.

When Fanny kicks off her shoes and gets down like she’s about to give birth to a Sunday roast dinner with all the fixings, you back up, throw your hands up and prepare yourself. Fanny also kept it extra messy by accentuating her double cut thighs (which she’s growing to play Mahalia Jackson in a biopic) with a leopard print onesie that should only be worn by toddler drag queens and Jackie Collins’ pool cleaning staff.

That being said, it was nice of Fantasia to sum up your feelings about this look in one facial expression so you don’t have to!

Rick Springfield Got Arrested Last Night

Last night in Malibu, Rick Springfield wish he had Jessie’s Girl to bail his boozed up ass after he was arrested for handling his blue Corvette while being in a state of DRUNK. As drunk bitches everywhere slurred out their version of “One Reason (It’s All I Need)” in the basement of a karaoke bar, Rick failed sobriety test after sobriety test. Lt. Chew of the LAPD tells Radar what went down.

“Springfield was stopped due to a traffic violation and was subjected to a sobriety test. He failed and was then arrested and taken to Malibu Sheriff’s station where he tested for alcohol levels. He reportedly blew at .10 and then a .08.”

Rick was charged and later released.

The LAPD says they put Rick in handcuffs for drunk driving, but I have a feeling they really brought him in for looking like a come-to-life van portrait of a female-to-male transsexual who works part-time as a Jesus/Teri Hatcher impersonator. Beauty like that must be captured by a mug shot camera.

Making Miley Cyrus Proud!

It seems like it was just yesterday when proud virgin Jordin Sparks was flashing her purity ring and preaching about how not every single person out there wants to be a big slut (I resemble that comment!). And now here’s a skinnier version of Jordin Sparks busting out moves that can only be taught at Miley Cyrus’ Bathroom Mirror Modeling School (Tagline: “Train to be a bathroom mirror slut or just look like one!“).

Judging by this photographic dissertation Jordin Tweeted yesterday, you can tell she majored in Sessypoutlips and minored in Ricochetflasheyes. You can almost hear her professors, Vanessa Hudgens and Demi Moore, putting down their camera phones to give it up for Jordin for completing her thesis.

For a graduation gift, I will melt down Jordin’s purity ring, mold it into the words “Fat Virgin No More” and attach it to a belly ring she can wear for her next bathroom mirror pictorial!

via HuffPo

You Say “Osama,” Fox News Says “President Obama”

Accidentally reporting that President Obama was killed and rose from the dead as a zombie to announce his own death before struttin’ into the hallway that always reminds me of the one in Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion ride is a mistake that anyone* can make.

* By “anyone” I mean “Fox.”

via TDW

Mimi & Nick Renew Their Wedding Vows In A Hospital Ceremony

As Mimi and Nick Cannon’s precious new pair of unicornlets crawled to the hospital’s administrative offices to change their names (which I’m guessing are Sparklebelle LaMimi and Rainick Lotsa Heart) on the birth certificates before that mess gets entered into the system, their parents kept with tradition by renewing their vows (aka the lyrics to “Touch My Body“).

Every wedding anniversary Mimi and Nick re-caulk their love with the glitter syrup that drips off the words in their vows, and they weren’t going to let a little thing called “raw C-section stitches” get in the way of them doing it this year.

UsWeekly says that Rev. Al Sharpton conducted the ceremony in the hospital yesterday, which leads me to ask: IS ANYBODY THINKING ABOUT THE BABIES?! Just imagine that you’re opening your eyes for the first time and there you see your mother lying in a tub full of pink rose petals with a bedazzled unicorn horn veil on her head and two shirtless man slaves in butterfly thongs sprinkling heart confetti all over her as Rev. Al Sharpton recites the sappiest lines every written by a human being. #dempoorbabies are still wiping the rainbow-colored cheese out of their tiny eyes.

Jason Sudeikis Isn’t Saying Shit

When January Jones announced out of nowhere that she’s pregnant with her first child (“You’ll never make it as a baby in this town!!!” – Ashton Kutcher to January’s fetus), most of us subliminally threw her a “You’ve been Sudeikis’ed” side-eye like the one Julia Louis-Dreyfus is delivering in the picture above. January hasn’t said which dude got an awkward call in the middle of the night that started with “Um, so remember when you said that maybe a little dribbled out?”, but the baby-making suspects have been narrowed down to Jason Sudeikis, Lil Wayne (Lil Wayne is always a suspect in cases like this), Bobby Flay and one of Benicio Del Toro’s rogue sperm fishes that jumped out of Kimbo Stewart’s ovary chamber and hid in the nearest safe place (aka January’s ovary chamber).

The Washington Post slyly tried to get more information out of one of the suspects at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and the awkward conversation went something like this.

When I asked if he had any comment on the recent news about Jones, who split with Sudeikis back in January, he said, “I’d rather — yes but no.”

Was he surprised to find out she was pregnant?

“No, I —,” then he paused and stammered. “No, I didn’t have anything [else to say].” He stammered some more.and that was the extent of our conversation on the subject. Sudeikis seemed comfortable being asked about the situation, just unwilling to say too much.

Stuttering. Nervously shuffling around. Tripping over words. BITCH BE GUILTY! Those are the actions of a man who is already preparing himself for a future visit from an 18-year-old with a Frankenforehead and a past due child support invoice in hand.

Or maybe Jason is saving all of his energy and emotions for when he has to bust out a “You’re Not The Father” jig after January’s baby comes out with ginger hair and a three layer salsa chin.