Tonight is the Met’s Costume Institute Gala (this year’s exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don’t even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other’s nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn’t even wear that shit as their menstruatin’ dress.
And it wouldn’t be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters’ designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don’t believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl’s coke white hair.
Or maybe she’s falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that’s probably the culprit.
And here’s a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl’s claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L’Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.
Since Mimi has obviously put a price tag on the names of her twin unicornlets and is waiting to debut them on Tabloid Wednesday, somebody has to entertain us with baby name foolery and Antonio Sabato Jr. is just that somebody! Antonio’s girlfriend Cheryl Moana Marie Nunes birthed out her first and his third child on Sunday. Antonio and Cheryl gave him a perfectly boring first name, but then they really brought the long-winded Hawaiian DRAMA with his first middle name. Dude’s middle name is so long that they needed a 2-page birth certificate and several BIC pens to get it all out. It’s also a true fact that I had to take a break and shaky out my hand while copying and pasting his middle name for this post. Aaaaaaaand their baby’s name is:
Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III was born at approximately 10:30 p.m. on Sunday. The newborn’s first middle name is Hawaiian and means “a beloved gift from the heavens.”
Check out photos of Antonio Sabato Jr.
“Antonio and Cheryl are both well and couldn’t be happier about the new addition to their family,” Sabato’s rep said in a statement to People.
Kamakanaalohamaikalani! If you say that three times really fast, not only will your jaw quit your face, but a lightning bolt from the Tiki Gods may strike you down or White Oprah will show up at your feet thinking you just ordered three dozen kamikaze shots. That’s a middle name that even Jambi the Genie can’t say without stretching out his tongue first.
Did I mention I absolutely love it! Mostly because Kamakanaalohamaikalani is the sound Antonio’s crazy stalker ex-wife Tully made while bawling and shaking over this news.
via TV Guide
A little white boy wheezing out his take on DC Talk’s “Nu Thang” while doing the best of 80s moves in Zubaz pants is enough to make you spritz yourself with aerosol holy water and thank God for doing his nu thing so this kid can rap about it. But the Aqua Net angel wearing an acid wash Gunne Sax dress with a white lace bib is definitely my NU JESUS!
Meanwhile in Lima, Peru, Miley Cyrus beat out “Courtney Love fartgasming” as the worst thing Kurt Cobain has ever heard with her version of “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” This mess is going to make Kurt commit suicide AGAIN and will definitely be the catalyst for Courtney Love sticking a dirty heroin needle directly into her ear drums. Not only is this the equivalent of Billy Ray Cyrus trying to eff you in the ear hole with his flaccid peen, but it will also leave your eyes as crossed as Tish’s. THOSE MOVES! Many a farmhand have witnessed Trace Cyrus busting out those same moves while trying to shake a stone out of his hoof. Leave the hoof shaking to the professional ponies, Miley!
Keith Urban’s mop, Tiger Woods’ shirt and John Mayer’s smirk fight to be the winner of Douche Battle Royale – Lainey Gossip
America almost lost our very own Kate Middleton – The Superficial
Cerrar la boca, bitch! (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
Former stripper (Carol) Channing Tatum (O’Neal) will put his stripper skills to use in a stripper movie – Celebitchy
Jeremy Renner might be humping on a piece who looks like a cross between Ashley Greene and Rose McGowan – Just Jared
If decapitated pieces are your thing, here you go – The Berry
And a pen full of pigs just sprouted wings – The Daily What
You can have Mila Kunis, I’ll take the photo bomber who gives good face in the back – Popoholic
Any news isn’t official until it’s gotten the Taiwanese CGI treatment - Boston Barstool Sports
JLo looks hot, but I think that has everything to do with the disco ball jumpsuit on her body – Popsugar
Shayne Lamas or the Harlan’s cashier who sold me a case of Shiner beer this weekend? – ICYDK
Brooke Mueller can finally clear her account with her back alley crack dealer – I’m Not Obsessed
Diane Kruger wearing a dress she obviously picked up at Blanche Deveraux’s yard wale – Hollywood Rag
Katy Perry going to third base with the lady on her dress – Cityrag
BREAKING: Sanjaya took a pair of scissors to his panty-moistening mane – SOW
Out of all the things that Flavor Flav could be arrested for (examples: overpopulating the world, smothering his teeth with gold foil, introducing humanity to New York, motorboating Gitte with his chin on camera, etc…) the cops busted him for in Las Vegas on Friday night for not paying traffic tickets! How the fallen have opened up a trap door and fallen even further.
The Las Vegas Sun reports that when cops pulled Foofy Foofy (born name: William Jonathan Drayton) over, they typed in his name and up came a bunch of outstanding warrants for parking violations and driving without a license. Foofy was booked and asked to pose for this beauty shot, which if ran through a word translator would come out looking like this:
This is what it looks like if the elder sea turtle of the sea smoked a fat joint and then devoured an entire pack of Jell-O pudding. That close-mouthed Bill Cosby smile gives away the fact that Foofy licked up every drop of pudding.
Over the weekend, the air in New Orleans was filled with toe corn dust and the thick mist of sweat that Fantasia births out when she squats to hit a high note. Fanny stomped her weathered feets and nearly blew the Calico cat wig off of her head while performing at the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival.
When Fanny kicks off her shoes and gets down like she’s about to give birth to a Sunday roast dinner with all the fixings, you back up, throw your hands up and prepare yourself. Fanny also kept it extra messy by accentuating her double cut thighs (which she’s growing to play Mahalia Jackson in a biopic) with a leopard print onesie that should only be worn by toddler drag queens and Jackie Collins’ pool cleaning staff.
That being said, it was nice of Fantasia to sum up your feelings about this look in one facial expression so you don’t have to!
Last night in Malibu, Rick Springfield wish he had Jessie’s Girl to bail his boozed up ass after he was arrested for handling his blue Corvette while being in a state of DRUNK. As drunk bitches everywhere slurred out their version of “One Reason (It’s All I Need)” in the basement of a karaoke bar, Rick failed sobriety test after sobriety test. Lt. Chew of the LAPD tells Radar what went down.
“Springfield was stopped due to a traffic violation and was subjected to a sobriety test. He failed and was then arrested and taken to Malibu Sheriff’s station where he tested for alcohol levels. He reportedly blew at .10 and then a .08.”
Rick was charged and later released.
The LAPD says they put Rick in handcuffs for drunk driving, but I have a feeling they really brought him in for looking like a come-to-life van portrait of a female-to-male transsexual who works part-time as a Jesus/Teri Hatcher impersonator. Beauty like that must be captured by a mug shot camera.
It seems like it was just yesterday when proud virgin Jordin Sparks was flashing her purity ring and preaching about how not every single person out there wants to be a big slut (I resemble that comment!). And now here’s a skinnier version of Jordin Sparks busting out moves that can only be taught at Miley Cyrus’ Bathroom Mirror Modeling School (Tagline: “Train to be a bathroom mirror slut or just look like one!“).
Judging by this photographic dissertation Jordin Tweeted yesterday, you can tell she majored in Sessypoutlips and minored in Ricochetflasheyes. You can almost hear her professors, Vanessa Hudgens and Demi Moore, putting down their camera phones to give it up for Jordin for completing her thesis.
For a graduation gift, I will melt down Jordin’s purity ring, mold it into the words “Fat Virgin No More” and attach it to a belly ring she can wear for her next bathroom mirror pictorial!
Accidentally reporting that President Obama was killed and rose from the dead as a zombie to announce his own death before struttin’ into the hallway that always reminds me of the one in Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion ride is a mistake that anyone* can make.
* By “anyone” I mean “Fox.”