Star Says Sorry To Katie Holmes

Tommy Girl’s butt plugs & lifts fund is about to get filled with a handful of coins from American Media Inc., because the publisher has settled the $50 million defamation lawsuit Stepford Katie brought against them after Star insinuated she was an audit-addicted LRonHubbardhead.

Back in January, Star published a photo of Katie looking like the Russian bread alien and said that she’s stumbling all over the place due to the constant Scientology audits she has to undergo. Katie and her lawyers at Larry. H Xenu immediately dropped a lawsuit on Star. Fast forward to today! Above Star’s cover story on the third coming of Vanilla Gorilla’s foolery, they issued an apology headline as well as this little note inside:

In a recent issue of Star, we published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs. Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction. Star apologizes to Ms. Holmes for any misperception and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes’ behalf for any harm that we may have caused.

Suri Cruise can now afford to buy the pink diamond and swan skull Louboutins she’s had her eye on for months, so this is good news. But it’s still funny to me that out of all the things Katie Holmes has been accused of being, it’s “drug addict” that snaps her into action.

Meanwhile, a junkie is injecting dirty heroin into their eyeballs while lying in a bath tub full of ice after trading their kidney in for a quick fix and thinking to themselves, “It could be worse. I could be married to Tom Cruise.”

via Cover Awards