Lindsay Lohan Will Win An Oscar In 5 Years

April 27, 2011 / Posted by:

In case you missed it, above is part 3 (click here for part 1, and here for part 2) of Lindsay Lohan’s damage control interview with Jay Leno which aired last night. LiLo should really be sitting on a cot in jail, but she’s sitting across from Jay instead (which is the harsher punishment, I’m not sure). After Jay’s audience of clueless dumb fucks stood and clapped for LiLo, she went on to tinkle out the same shit we’ve heard a million times before. The same shit that we’ll probably hear in a few months when Robin Byrd interviews LiLo on public access after she violates her probation by stealing somebody’s Oscar (we’ll get to that mess in a second).

White Oprah’s precious innocent child said she knows she’s made a dozen mistakes and she’s working her way away from that. She’s a fighter and wants to prove to people that you don’t need to swallow your rings or eat your valuables with your butt when she comes around. She feels like she let down her fans, but is ready to get back to doing what she really loves: acting. LiLo then said, “As long as I stay focused, then I will be able to achieve what I want to achieve….. I’m a big girl, and I’m gonna do what I’m told to do.”

LiLo doesn’t think the 120 days in jail ruling was unfair and she thinks she’s being treated like everyone else. When she said that canned response that her lawyer (who is married to Jay’s house singer) embedded into her brain, you could almost hear White Oprah grinding her teeth something extra from Long Island. Yes, the residents of Long Island are already used to the nightly White Oprah teeth grinding (blame the bad shit), but this was extra booming.

And when Jay asked LiLo where she sees herself in 5 years, she said she hopes she’ll be sitting with him after she wins her OSCAAAAAAAH! Yes, I’m sure that in 2016, LiLo will accept her Best Actress Oscar for playing the title role in the Princess Diana biopic and she’ll thank her husband Prince William (who will obviously dump Kate Middleton for her) and the 4 third world orphans they adopted together. Yes, this will happen. But you know what really made me throw LiLo a “You still on that narcotic, ho?” look? Bitch thinks Jay Leno will still be hosting The Tonight Show in 5 years! Ring the alarm and drag the crackie back to Lynwood!

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