Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Last night was the premiere of The Voice, the half-sister of American Idol who is near-sighted and suffers from a minor case of whiplash from whipping around in those damn stupid ass chairs all the time, and I was ready to hate it like an ingrown pubic hair from the beginning. NBC pretty much took out ads under all of our retinas and I used to think that Adam Levine was only tolerable if his peen was in your mouth and a gag was in his, but I sort of kind of liked the show. I KNOW! Part of the deal for selling three slivers of my soul to the dark side is that I’m supposed to hate everything! Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I had a spread of Zingers, extra fatty beef ribs and a bowl of blue cheese dressing (with little flakes of lettuce sprinkled on top for nutrition) on my coffee table.

But this shit still had its issues.

The whole thing about “THE VOICE BEING EVERYTHING” was pretty much banished to the place where Cee-Lo’s neck is hiding from the beginning. The way it worked was all four judges had their backs to the singer so they could only focus on THE VOICE! When they liked a singer, they pressed some No Whammy-ish button and their chair turned around. But when they didn’t press their button, their chairs didn’t turn around until the end of the contestant’s performance. If the contestant was hot, the judge usually let it be known that they were pissed they didn’t choose that ho for that very reason. Like there was this really hot Indian girl that not one of the judges pressed their button for. When their chairs turned around, they all pretty much shouted in unison, “FUCK!” Or if they pressed their button and turned around to find a boiling blob of fugliness before them, they learned how to say “Awwwshit” with their eyes real quick.

So their whole Susan Boyle theory was debunked from the start. But other than that (and Xtina’s “Betty Boop with the queefs” facial expressions), I was into that shit. And I was really into today’s Hot Slut JOANN RIZZO!!!! Joann is a 56-year-old from Jersey who has the body of season 1 Snooki and the fashion sense of a slutty toddler circa 2001. Joann is totally the woman you see at Forever 21 trying on pink sequined ruffle skirts without shame. She’s also the woman who has probably played the role of Frenchy in every community theater production of Grease for the past 40 years. Her audition is below:

Sadly, none of those asshole judges pressed their red diaphragm button for Joann. Xtina probably sniffed out Joann’s red lipstick and didn’t want the competition.

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