Gwyneth Paltrow's "Mutti" Was My Kind

Before we go on, let me clarify to those of who don't know that "mutti" isn't a charming British nickname for Gwyneth Paltrow's down low Apple maker. Let's just get that straight, because that's what I thought at first. "Mutti" is apparently what some Germans call their abuelitas. Although, according to Fishsticks, her mutti was a real cunt (insert audience applause here). Fishy's never-ending book tour made a stop on Chelsea Lately last night, and the two started talking about their grandmas (at the 4:15 mark). Chelsea said hers was a real bitch and Fishy took off her "refined lady of the manor" act when she shot back and said hers was a real cunt.

Oh, Mutti Danner, I never got the chance to witness your cuntiness in all its glory, but I can say with complete confidence that I LOVE YOU. You will say the same thing to Mutti Danner's spirit when you read what Fishsticks had to say about her:

"She just hated my guts, basically, and she tried to poison my mother against me. She must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was as mean as hell."

Never mind that Fishy's fake ass is trying hard to out-shock Chelsea, but Mutti Danner was truly a magical woman who knew that the little girl before her would grow into a GOOP monster that would terrorize the world with her oven burning pizzas of pretentiousness.

That being said, it seems like Fishy's mutti never whooped her with a bag of Wonder Bread in the middle of a supermarket aisle nearly enough. I mean, if I EVER called my abuelita that word, it would be over for me. I wouldn't even call her a half-a-labia. Or a clitoris. Or anything other than "pleasenoabuelita."

Even if I called her that word today, the walls would shake, her spirit would take over my soul and I'd spend the rest of the day beating my nalgas with a torn off tree branch. Abuelitacism is a real thing and it's no joke. NO PRIEST CAN HELP YOU! Let's hope that Mutti Danner shows Fishy who the real cunt is by doing the same thing. And I bet Mutti Danner will force Fishy to beat herself her a plastic branch from a fake tree. That's the real burn.

via Daily Mail

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by IrishFury on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 8:12am.

@ BjorkYou - A child called It was faked? Spicy info! I know of several other memoirs that got busted but not that one! He has made a living from that book! Links?
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Dark-sided!

Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 8:09am.

God for fuckin' bid your own flesh and blood found your ass to be hateful and insufferable LONG before the rest of the free world.

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Sit on my face and tell me that you love me...

Submitted by clam happy disco on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 8:07am.

Oh my god! Another classic funny post! "Pleasenograndma" Funny. Love you!

Submitted by fruitloop on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 5:28am.

Why is she trying to shock us, like she's some foul-mouthed Delia Smith? At least Delia eats some damn food!

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"Even the Duchess of Alba's breasts are sitting down and taking a nap, because they know they got this!" MK, 1/4/11

Submitted by Frau on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 5:26am.

Sorry, this may have already been said, but "Mutti" means "mom". Grandmother/Grandma would be "Oma" in German.

Just sayin'.

Submitted by hotpocket on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:50pm.

It takes one to know one, Gwyneth. Now go back to your mansion and stop using naughty words in your meager attempt at gaining street cred, because we're not buying it.

Submitted by Bjork You on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 8:48pm.

Chelsea Handler is such a nasty suck up, and, I'm so tired of typing the obvious, Paltrow is an insufferable phony and a bigger cunt than any Mutti could be. She rightfully hated you. And don't get all hyped up on that NYT bestseller thing. You're up there not with Jonathan Franzen (ass), Zadie Smith, Stephen King, or Salman Rushdie but with Teresa Guidice and and that guy who wrote those lying Child Called It books. Bitch, please. You're an "author" like Kelly Bensimon.

Submitted by hotsassypants on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 7:35pm.

Thanks everyone who sent me the link to her blog...it is awful!

Submitted by RichBitch on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 7:29pm.

Goopy is a cunt.

Submitted by sweetstickyriceball on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 4:27pm.

First, I love MK's hilariously pissed off take on this. Second, coming from a Chinese family, my brother was treated as the golden child, and I was treated like a black sheep of sorts. I can understand where Goop is coming from, and I don't know her grandma, but I think it's tacky, as MK said, to speak ill of your dead grandma just to out-shock Chelsea Handler and her fans.

Submitted by stake_spike on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 4:15pm.

What kind of fucked up child monster from hell do you have to be for your grandparents to hate you?

It's understandable if you come from a cold family where emotions of any kind are forbidden (hence no one is that close), but damn I would think most people's grandparents love them. So it can only mean Fishy was always an insufferable Veruca Salt-esque brat. As much as I like Blythe, fuck her for raising this bitch and unleashing her unto the world.

Submitted by elmo533 on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 3:41pm.

Submitted by Mr. Mercury on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 2:44pm.

Submitted by spankypants on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 12:34pm.
Black grandmothers must be a lot like abuelita's then because mine did not play and you would get a verbal ass-whoopin' if you disturbed her when she was watching Jeopardy and Wheel.
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LOL! My white-trash gramma was dangerous if you disturbed her during "The Guiding Light". One word uttered while her show was on got you a one-way ticket outside (while the commercials were on)where you had to cut your own switch off the lilac bushes. She could whip your legs, make you dance, draw blood occasionally, and get back to her recliner before the show came back on.
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I'll never forget the time I watched my Grandma chase my cousin to spank her for talking back. she cought her ass too.

As for Goopy, as others said, Mutti saw that she was a brat and tried to intervein. Mutti should be made a saint for trying to save humanity fro the horror. And sadly it seems Blythe is to blame.

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Menage a NO! NO! NO!-MK

Submitted by becky n sydney on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 3:02pm.

Mutti was obviously amazingly psychic.
The Gifted Ones are never understood.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kjp0EhQCFM0

Submitted by becky n sydney on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 3:00pm.

Submitted by hotsassypants on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 3:43pm.
Relatively new to Dlisted and I love this site...can someone please explain Gwenyth's nickname "Goopy"? I don't get it.
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Hey hotsassypants - welcome aboard the good ship D.
'Goop' is the name of Gwynnies blog.
Google it at you own peril.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kjp0EhQCFM0

Submitted by islandgirl on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 2:20pm.

Submitted by hotsassypants on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 3:43pm.

Relatively new to Dlisted and I love this site...can someone please explain Gwenyth's nickname "Goopy"? I don't get it.
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Welcome!!
Prepare to be amazed. If you're lucky, you might even find her recipe for cunty polenta. It's a keeper!! :))

http://goop.com/

Submitted by hotsassypants on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 2:13pm.

Relatively new to Dlisted and I love this site...can someone please explain Gwenyth's nickname "Goopy"? I don't get it.

Submitted by Cake666 on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 1:20pm.

I'm pretty sure Gwyneth didn't have a mutti, she spawned directly from the jaws of hell chewing on a carrot.

B!i!i!iD~
For your health.

Submitted by Mr. Mercury on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 1:14pm.

"Seymour!! You said you'd never get married until you bought me an iron lung!"

Submitted by Echo27 on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 12:48pm.

You are all right about "Mutti", of course, but maybe she just called her grandmother "Mutti". My grandma was called Monnie, which is a name she made up as far as I can tell.

Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 12:46pm.

I m sure another German chimed in already, Mutti is Mother, not Grandmother. Every Grandma in Germany is an Oma or Omi or Oms.

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Don`t be a woman-beater -- be a pussy-eater!!

Submitted by saltydog88 on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 12:12pm.

I like her and don't think she is phony at all. In fact I think her problem is that she isn't phony enough. A LOT of celebrities have a completely different personality in interview and talk shows than they do in reality. I get the impression that Gwyneth is the same amount of pretentious on camera and off.

Where as some celebs that I've worked with are say "bubbly" or "goofy" in their interviews, and as soon as the camera is off they are bitchy and all business

Submitted by Night Owl on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:42am.

"Mutti" probably saw how Daddy's girl was an entitled, spoiled little brat.

Submitted by sparkys nemesis on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:33am.

I used to really, really like Gwynnie but lately...ehhhhh. That laff, the exact same one I heard on Ellen, is totally phony. And I loved her as an actress but now she's a country singer/cookbook author/what next? Stick to the acting, girl. And gain a few pounds!

Submitted by tinkuy on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:22am.

"Mutti" is "Mom" in German. "Oma" is "grandma".

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:19am.

Whatever happened to not speaking ill of the dead? I hope that Mutti is gonna haunt her skinny GOOP behind.

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Who are you calling silly cow?

Submitted by ILovePapaSmurf on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:16am.

Yeah, keep talking shit, Gwen. It just makes you look like a fucking asshole.
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.

I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."

Submitted by Whatever on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:11am.

Sounds like her Grandmother did not agree with fishy being raised as an elitist swine.

Submitted by spankypants on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:04am.

Black grandmothers must be a lot like abuelita's then because mine did not play and you would get a verbal ass-whoopin' if you disturbed her when she was watching Jeopardy and Wheel.

Submitted by CindyC on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:00am.

WOW - what kind of a cunt do you have to be to have your own grandmother hate you?? A huge cunt - that's what kind. Amazing.

Submitted by angel_i on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 10:40am.

Submitted by Rdeadline on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:49am.

Grandma tried to poison her mother against her. On national tv she says this.

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Right?

Translation: My mother spoiled me rotten and my granny tried to stop her.

♥ Threadkilla!
Kelly Osbourne! Eep!
Three Pop Stars, One Song:
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Submitted by Rdeadline on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 10:19am.

Grandma tried to poison her mother against her. On national tv she says this.

Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 10:13am.

Obviously Blythe's mother recognized a pretentious bud and tried to nip it. Fishy just wasn't slapped upside the head with a slipper enough as a child to straighten her the fuck out.

I never knew any of my grandparents. Yet another downside to being born of older parents. My older sisters say my French Canadian grandmother was like a plump little farm lady and would sneak them Hershey bars out of the fridge. I wish I had known her.

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"I'd hate to have to go around thinking of health & shit like that." Keith Richards, 1997

Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 10:09am.

Blythe is actually "Pennsylvania Dutch," in other words a "Platt" German. Bruce's ancestors were Jews from Eastern Europe (Poland or Russia, I don't remember).

I like Chelsea and this is a good interview. Gwyneth sure can turn on the charm when it's time to push her products. And she looks nice -- gorgeous, in fact.

The only crack in her facade happens towards the end when Chelsea "compliments" her on the way she doesn't care about what people may think, whatever she does.

Submitted by moptop on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:59am.

Just a thought. I don't think this was Blythe's mother she's talking about. Goop's father was Jewish and, I believe, from Germany, so I think she is talking about his mother, not Blythe's?

Submitted by nunya_bizness on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:55am.

"But Apple wasn't having it..."

That really rolls off the tongue.

Two people I hate in the same place, my brain is about to explode.

Submitted by snowpiece on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:52am.

guest: Im gonna check it out, it's not getting a "record all episodes" on my dvr YET!

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK

"Why won't you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta."

Submitted by IrishFury on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:51am.

Another F.U. to her mother.

I've no doubt her precious father's mother was an angel sent from heaven, just like Daddy.
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Dark-sided!

Submitted by louise_brooks on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:51am.

I might watch The Voice just to check it out. But unless it blows me away, I can't imagine making a point of watching it every week.

Submitted by snowpiece on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:51am.

IG she prob thought Mutti (Mama J'e) was such a cunt because she didn't kiss her lily white azz and tell her how the sun shines out it. "Tried to poison my mother against me" = try to prevent BD from raising an insufferable GOOP!

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK

"Why won't you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta."

Submitted by guest on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:48am.

Snoweeee...thxs for reminding me. I def wanted to watch that.

"not so fast tom ryan..."

Submitted by guest on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:46am.

Weezy....LOL! I didn't even see that. Bwha.

"not so fast tom ryan..."

Submitted by islandgirl on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:45am.

Submitted by snowpiece on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:10am.

Seriously, it's not nice to go on tv and talk shit about your Granny. Is this supposed to make her more likeable?
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TOTALLY agree. I hope Blythe gives her a smack in her polenta cunt.

Submitted by Jana on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:45am.

Mutti may stand for Mother, but in the video they refer her as their grandmother. I guess their mothers called her Mutti and it stuck with them also. They had both grown up in the US.
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Submitted by snowpiece on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:45am.

it was more like sand than sang anyway

Who is gonna watch The Voice tonight?

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK

"Why won't you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta."

Submitted by angel_i on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 9:45am.

Submitted by louise_brooks on Tue, 04/26/2011 - 11:06am.

She sand Adele on Glee????? *side eye and disbelieving head shake*

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Yeah. And now I have to keep smacking my kid and switching the vid cuz she keeps playing the shit version. THANKS, GLEE! Not.

♥ Threadkilla!
Kelly Osbourne! Eep!
Three Pop Stars, One Song:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6474802/three-pop-stars-one-song-with-...