These Two Smug Ass Whores Are Married Now

The emaciated Falcor and the man whore of Burbank have officially become more annoying than a tampon made of Brillo pads by partaking in a pre-divorce ceremony at their home in California today. You know, I haven’t even tiptoed into either one of those Twatter accounts, because I just know it would be like drowning in nauseating smugness. I bet they even said “I Do” to each other through Twitter. And just as they hit send, that shit crashed, because the Twitter bird wants no part of this “won’t end well” shit. Now, I’m currently at a rest stop between DRUNK and HUNGOVER, so I’m going to let People take it from here:

“LeAnn and Eddie were happily married today surrounded by their closest family and friends,” the bride’s spokesman, Rhett Usry, confirms exclusively to PEOPLE. “They thank everyone for their well wishes.”

Country star Rimes, 28, wore a Reem Acra gown as she and actor Cibrian, 37, exchanged personalized vows on Friday in front of about than 40 guests, including Cibrian’s sons Mason, 7, and Jake, 4, from his previous marriage.

The couple had led friends and family to believe that they’d been invited to an engagement party, but surprised the guests by tying the knot at the intimate ceremony held at a private home in California.

We all know how this is going to play out. LeAnn is going to poot out a baby with eyes as tiny as a baby fly’s urethra. Seriously, eyes about the same size as the mail slot on the front door of a flea’s house. That’s when we’ll all synchronize the clocks on our iPhones, because a quick minute later Eddie Cibrian will be on the cover of InTouch Life & UsWeekly Star with the mistress whore he left LeAnn for saying that he didn’t have the tools needed to leave her the right way. Brand Glanville’s karma cackle is already standing by ready to go!