Simon van Kempen is the latest Real Housewives of NYC cast member to slap an open sore on the sanctity of music by abusing technology to put out his own single called “I Am Real.” It’s been described as a dance song, but the only movement you’ll want to make to this mess involves wrapping your hands around your own neck and shaking until Simon’s robot voice has left the building in your head. Seriously, the sound of those latex pants being ripped off of Simon’s hairy nutsack is probably more pleasant than this song.
Simon tells Popeater that his sound is very Jarvis Cocker and I have to agree. It is very Pulp. That is if you took a Pulp cassette single, let it warp in the sun, played it in a Boombox with low batteries and then shoved it all up a hippo’s ass right before the creature had to fart. I’m sure that’s what Simon meant.
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)