We’re Going To Need 5 More Place Settings At The Christmas Table

April 20, 2011 / Posted by:

RiRi’s father Ronald Fenty, who always looks like he’s inhaling ass, has never been shy about spilling his family’s personal shit to the tabloids for a quick cashiers check, so it’s no surprise that he’s telling The Sun his daughter has 5 relatives she didn’t know about until she was 15. Hopefully, one of those relatives will be the one to tell her that her Dollar Menu weave belongs in the McDonaldland landfill.

Ronald tells The Sun that before he started a 14-year-long marriage with RiRi’s mother, he really let his whore out by fathering 3 kids with 3 different women. RiRi has a 32-year-old half sister named Kandy, a 30-year-old half sister named Samantha and a 27-year-old half brother named Jamie. Kandy also has two daughters. Ronald says he found out about his trio of secret love children right before RiRi became a superstar goat yodeler. Ronald says, “I guess you could say I was shocked. But I was a bit on the wild side and something of a ladies’ man back in my early days. Once Kandy told me who her mother was and explained what had happened, I said, ‘Well, OK, welcome to my family’.”

Kandy has since spent a little time with RiRi, but mostly follows her the same way everybody else does, “I’m not jealous of the fame or fortune – I live a simple life out in the country but I’m very happy with what I have. I don’t think we have very much in common but we do have the same large forehead.”

Just a family of foreheads, those Fentys! The next time they get together for a backyard barbecue and bow their heads to say grace, the entire island of Barbados will go dark and everyone will have to set their clocks forward an hour.

But really, who doesn’t have half-siblings? WE ALL DO! I remember the first time I found out there were other mismatched members of the tribe my father created with his sperm. I was going through a family album with my mom and came across a picture of a little Asian girl in a white dress. I asked my mother, “Harpo, who dis woman?” My mother didn’t miss a beat, “Oh, that’s your older half-sister. You have a half-brother too. He’s 8 months older than you. There might be others.” LIKE NOTHING! My mom nearly turned inside/out when she gave me the sex talk yet the half-sibling bomb rolled off of her tongue like a second breath. It didn’t really shock me either, though. I didn’t have one of those ESCANDALO soap opera moments where the camera stayed on my frozen emotion-filled face before cutting to commercial. I made an internal shrug, because deep down I’ve always known that my father was a round-the-way bareback whore. The Japanese Lil Wayne, if you will.

Every now and again, my sister will ask me if I want to get the tribe together. To which I let out a giant….NOOOOOOO. Yes, my half-siblings could be perfectly lovely people who bring the most delicious bacon and potato casseroles to Easter dinner. Then again, one of them could also be a crackhead with a gambling problem. Do I really need one of my half-siblings calling me up at 4am from a 7-Eleven payphone begging me to Western Union them $100 to pay their “electricity bill.” Yeah, no. I already get that from bill collectors. I don’t need it from my relatives. Relative diving is not for me.

I’ll see my tribe on the other side. Unless, telephones and gambling junkies exist on the other side. If that’s the case, I’ll see them on the other OTHER other side, etc…

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