We're Going To Need 5 More Place Settings At The Christmas Table
RiRi's father Ronald Fenty, who always looks like he's inhaling ass, has never been shy about spilling his family's personal shit to the tabloids for a quick cashiers check, so it's no surprise that he's telling The Sun his daughter has 5 relatives she didn't know about until she was 15. Hopefully, one of those relatives will be the one to tell her that her Dollar Menu weave belongs in the McDonaldland landfill.
Ronald tells The Sun that before he started a 14-year-long marriage with RiRi's mother, he really let his whore out by fathering 3 kids with 3 different women. RiRi has a 32-year-old half sister named Kandy, a 30-year-old half sister named Samantha and a 27-year-old half brother named Jamie. Kandy also has two daughters. Ronald says he found out about his trio of secret love children right before RiRi became a superstar goat yodeler. Ronald says, "I guess you could say I was shocked. But I was a bit on the wild side and something of a ladies' man back in my early days. Once Kandy told me who her mother was and explained what had happened, I said, 'Well, OK, welcome to my family'."
Kandy has since spent a little time with RiRi, but mostly follows her the same way everybody else does, "I'm not jealous of the fame or fortune - I live a simple life out in the country but I'm very happy with what I have. I don't think we have very much in common but we do have the same large forehead."
Just a family of foreheads, those Fentys! The next time they get together for a backyard barbecue and bow their heads to say grace, the entire island of Barbados will go dark and everyone will have to set their clocks forward an hour.
But really, who doesn't have half-siblings? WE ALL DO! I remember the first time I found out there were other mismatched members of the tribe my father created with his sperm. I was going through a family album with my mom and came across a picture of a little Asian girl in a white dress. I asked my mother, "Harpo, who dis woman?" My mother didn't miss a beat, "Oh, that's your older half-sister. You have a half-brother too. He's 8 months older than you. There might be others." LIKE NOTHING! My mom nearly turned inside/out when she gave me the sex talk yet the half-sibling bomb rolled off of her tongue like a second breath. It didn't really shock me either, though. I didn't have one of those ESCANDALO soap opera moments where the camera stayed on my frozen emotion-filled face before cutting to commercial. I made an internal shrug, because deep down I've always known that my father was a round-the-way bareback whore. The Japanese Lil Wayne, if you will.
Every now and again, my sister will ask me if I want to get the tribe together. To which I let out a giant....NOOOOOOO. Yes, my half-siblings could be perfectly lovely people who bring the most delicious bacon and potato casseroles to Easter dinner. Then again, one of them could also be a crackhead with a gambling problem. Do I really need one of my half-siblings calling me up at 4am from a 7-Eleven payphone begging me to Western Union them $100 to pay their "electricity bill." Yeah, no. I already get that from bill collectors. I don't need it from my relatives. Relative diving is not for me.
I'll see my tribe on the other side. Unless, telephones and gambling junkies exist on the other side. If that's the case, I'll see them on the other OTHER other side, etc...
• 
Those Caribbean islands are pretty boring and sleepy.
WTF else is there to do?
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My candle burns at both ends, it will not last the night
But oh, my foes and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
I had a family friend I didn't know was my half sister until I was 15. Count me in.
Submitted by Forever21 on Wed, 04/20/2011 - 2:09pm.
Get a DNA test whenever a relative shows up.
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Unless your father won't take it!
I met my half-siblings when I was 36. Our father cheated on their mother and had me. I had a brother one year younger than me and did not know it. My father refused to take the DNA test, so my nutty sister broke into his house and stole his tooth brush. By that time I realized she was crazy and broke off contact with her. It was way too much drama for me.
"Relative diving" . . . love it. I like it when MK talks about his family - he's both snarky and vulnerable all at the same time. He's like a hipster Holden Caulfield.
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"This is what we call the floating world . . .” (Ryoi, c.1661)
" . . . the world needs to be shut down. I mean it this time. SHUT IT DOWN". (MK, c.2009)
A family of foreheads! Bwahahahahahahaha! Oh that is fucking hilarious!
"Something of a ladies man? Just once I wish it was ok for a woman to say "I was something of a gentlemen's lady back in the day" and it be accepted in the same way!!"
I love that quote, Stoney!
I have always wondered if my brother and I have any half-siblings. I'd say the odds are pretty good. My dad started cheating on my mom when she was pregnant with me (charming!). I just can't believe that with all his whoring ONE little sperm didn't make its mark.
"The next time they get together for a backyard barbecue and bow their heads to say grace, the entire island of Barbados will go dark and everyone will have to set their clocks forward an hour."-MK
Oh, damn!
My son has an older half sister (about 8 years older) that he has no clue about because me and the father split before he was born. So um, one day I figure I'll have to tell him he has a long lost sister and try to figure out how to not make it awkward. Errr.
ALIEN FOREHEAD!!
At least RiRi only inherited the five head - she could have got the 'eyes wandering off to have a look at the ears' gene.
MK - HILARIOUS post!!! Loved every word!
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bqVAmaUJ1U
Just a family of foreheads, those Fentys! The next time they get together for a backyard barbecue and bow their heads to say grace, the entire island of Barbados will go dark and everyone will have to set their clocks forward an hour
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L.M.F.A.O!!!! How do youcome up with this stuff MK? I'll skip my half sibling stories, including the one I just found out about. He's five, I'm 29. My dad's a HO! Last time I saw him he tried to drink out of my cup. I told him no cause there's no telling what diseases he's got.
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Menage a NO! NO! NO!-MK
He looks just like his daughter...only slimmer!
MK, if/when I become famous, I want you to write my biography. Unauthorised or not, I don't care just do it!
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"Even the Duchess of Alba's breasts are sitting down and taking a nap, because they know they got this!" MK, 1/4/11
No DNA test is necessary when you look like twins!
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
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"RiRi's father Ronald Fenty, who always looks like he's inhaling ass" LMAO!!!!!
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Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLLYO8Hd_sE
I have some weird family drama with half siblings. Whenever people ask me how many siblings I have, I have to take a moment to decide if I should include one of them. My dad was the biggest whore and had 6 kids. I have one full brother and 4 half siblings he did not hide. Anyway I was the oldest kid till the age of 21-22 when he showed up with this older woman in her late 30s who was apparently his kid from his wild teen years. She was smart, unemployed, a high school drop out, married and had 4 kids of her own.
The story was her mum and my dad hooked up as teens, he left town and never knew her mum was pregnant. Her mum got married to another dude who raised her as his kid. My dad's older sis played a role in putting them intouch and no DNA test was done. My dad started supporting her and her husband. He moved her family in to one of his properties and she started managing one of his businesses. My mum and I welcomed her in to the family and we got along.
A couple of years later my dad died and he left her some property. He had 6 trustees and other messes going on so we had a series of family meetings after my dad's death. At some point my "sis" and the aunt who had introduced her to the family had a major falling out.
After an emergency meeting was called by my uncle my "sis" called me and told me not to attend because it was going to be a waste of my time and it was my aunt causing trouble. I told her we should just go because I was free anyway. During the meeting my uncle told us how my aunt had pulled a major scam on my dad and that my "sis" was not my dad's daughter. His proof? he had her father present. In a dramatic moment, this man walked in to the room and he was the spitting image of my "sis". For the love of God I don’t know how my "sis" ever doubted that he was her dad. Everyone was in shock. She was in tears. Her father then told my entire family including my dad's trustees and lawyers that he had an agreement with my dad. He allowed my father to take his daughter and my dad promised to pay him 200k. Dude was here to collect his fee aka selling his 40 something old daughter& 4 grand kids to my family lol. That was lie because there is no way my dad met this man and believed this woman was still his daughter. It was a mess, no money was paid, my half siblings don’t talk to her, she still calls me once in a while and we chat. We have NEVER talked about that meeting. My mum's theory is that my aunt wanted to use her to scam my dad and take control of whatever property she got from my dad and it backfired because she didn’t allow my aunt to control her. The only sad thing is that my dad died thinking she was his child. Lesson learned Get a DNA test whenever a relative shows up.
" I said, 'Well, OK, welcome to my family'...."
that statement is fucking priceless as is your story of your 'tribe' MK-I am pissing myself with laughter!
"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"
No need for a DNA test to see if that's her daddy - all he needs is a bad weave and he'd pass for Riri's twin.
I didn't find out about my full blooded sister until I was 15. I literally het her at an airprt and as soon as I saw her I knew. And then I found out in the same moment my younger brother and sister were my half-siblings.
And I still have lots I have never seen!
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
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Erykah Badu had three children from three different daddies? DAMN!!! What a fucking whore. That is definitely not kosher. Worry not; same rules apply for the MENFOLK. Having different mommies is also whorish.
"People are strange when you're a stranger...Faces look ugly when you're alone." ~ The Doors
Count me as one of those with half siblings you know nothing about. But it's not really surprising. My father's one of those strange creatures that likes to be married I think he's only been married twice?), and/or has been engaged a million times.
Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 04/20/2011 - 10:54am.
speaking of "ethnically ambiguous" Is Daddy white? I am trying to figure it out
*reports self for racism*
He's definitely black, he just be light-skinned.
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Douchechill!
Heh. I think every family has their "Fenty Family Moments." Ours came when my beloved late aunt's husband casually told her that he had a grown daughter back in the old country (my cousin was in her teens here) and that he'd really like my aunt to meet her. ESCANDOLO! Eventually he even brought her back to the US to meet everyone. I thought my grandparents were going to explode from embarrassment, and I think my aunt wanted to kill herself.
The best part was, no one was really sure if this daughter was his love child or if my dear uncle was committing bigamy in two countries. My bet was on the former, but we never really found out. Yes, at that moment our lives were exactly like "Triunfo de Amor," Joel McHale's favorite telenovela.
Oh. Thought maybe that was Michael Lohan at first.
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"Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee." - Dave Grohl
He looks like E.T.
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"When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."
Dude has some wonky eyes.
Wait a minute, Ive seen this Star Tek episode, the guys with the massive heads.....Kirk has to fight them off with his brain..........
I also later learned my father has 4 much older half siblings. Then my mother learned after her own mother's death thatshe had four half sisters she never told us about. My grandmother hated her step mother so it doesn't surprise me that she was not close to her half sisters.
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"if there is one thing I like more than suckin dick, it's whoopin ass" POW! overheard by bambam
*sits on the side of room that has half siblings and random "new" family memebers popping up*
*calls therapist*
think Dlisted needs it own convention. It could meet in New York and for 3 days we spend it drinking, smoking the good shit and worshiping MK
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I'm there, just say where and when. I worship all of you guys too. You are all hilarious, and yes, MK is our God.
Submitted by gossiplover on Wed, 04/20/2011 - 9:54am.
Daddy-five heads is holding a box of his daughter's rebel le fleur perfume.
Oh, that was good. I figured it had something to do with her. It doesn't seem to be selling all that well.
speaking of "ethnically ambiguous" Is Daddy white? I am trying to figure it out
*reports self for racism*
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"Why won't you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta."
Holy smokes, RiRi looks IDENTICAL to her father. Put a wig on that man and some stupid clothes and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
Oh, and MK... I love you.
So Jane, what you're saying is he was "twerking his stump"???
Stoney: then it's safe to say my mother was a bit of a gentleman's lady.
And as for spending time with your halvsies: I hate my realsie and don't acknowledge him.
I don't have any half siblings, but I sure have a lot of "uncles".....
Looking at him, she's lucky she's only got the ten-head she has. His looks like it was hit by an alien ray gun.
Something of a ladies man? Just once I wish it was ok for a woman to say "I was something of a gentlemen's lady back in the day" and it be accepted in the same way!!
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
OMG MK, I love you and your hot mess family.
You're the bestest, MK. <3
ugh what a mess...in my own family, my dad's dad left my grandmother and my dad when my dad was 2 years old. This was in 1950. My grandmother got pregnant when she was 17. My grandfather had been married previously and was NOT married to my grandmother. He was 7 years older than she. He left my grandmother and my father (his two year old son) when my grandmother became bedridden with bursitis. He just left and never came back. My father wound up getting lead poisoning as a toddler and developed dementia later in life, dying at 53. My "grandfather" died in 1980 after marrying for a second time. I found all of this out doing some genealogical research. I did contact his children from his second marriage (not sure why or what I expected), but they were very suspicious of my intentions and sought proof. I did wind up finding an old birth certificate of my grandfather's after my grandmother died, which I suppose could be proof enough (short of a DNA test), but I didn't wish to upset the family further and did not see any point in contacting them again. I just wanted them to know that we existed and that they did have another half brother. The first marriage also produced children, but I don't know where any of them are (the second marriage family didn't seem to believe that there were children from the first marriage-but I know that there were based on the divorce documents). I don't think I would contact my grandfather's family to begin with if I had the chance to redo everything. I would like to know about health issues that run in the family and things like that, but it's not worth pursuing and it's not the fault of my father's half-siblings that their dad was a louse.
Submitted by joe shmoe on Wed, 04/20/2011 - 9:36am.
Submitted by TequilaTax on Wed, 04/20/2011 - 9:33am.
Submitted by joe shmoe on Wed, 04/20/2011 - 9:26am.
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Srsly. Mk is consistently funny. How can someone be funny every day?
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MK probably plays the Jerry Seinfeld "dark side" and "obscure" character Jerry plays when George asks him not to be funny. But the girl still falls for Jerry being so mysterious.
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Don't blame me! I voted for Kodos!
'Do I really need one of my half-siblings calling me up at 4am from a 7-Eleven payphone begging me to Western Union them $100 to pay their "electricity bill."'
I LOVE YOU, MK!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by nunya_bizness on Wed, 04/20/2011 - 9:41am
It has got to hurt knowing that you have a child who is rich and famous but doesn't want anything to do with you.
At least Oprah's mom gets to spend some of her daughter's billions.
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He kinda reminds me of Ron Jeremy, but...not as classy! - Submitted by david Letterman
Besides, it's just marriage! Who in the hell takes that shit seriously? - Michael K
I was a bit on the wild side and something of a ladies' man back in my early days.
It's quality not quantity that matters, and you are FUG, Ronald.
Did you guys know that royal mistress Lillie Langtry once dated her own half-brother? Her father was a megaslut.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Daddy-five heads, is holding a box of his daughter's rebel le fleur, perfume. A saleslady tried to spritz me with it in Macy's, I told her "sorry lady, but I only wear calgon!"
Why is he holding the Christina Hendricks edition of Summer's Eve?
When I was young and asked questions (like "why do I have an Aunt on Dad's side when he is an only child and both his parent's were only children?")I was just old "it's complicated".
Then when I started genealogy, I needed a 3D flow chart to get it all down. Peyton Place aint got nothing on Petersburg, Va.
We have discovered 5 extra cousins and have reason to believe that there are more. My mom had 5 brothers who were rolling stones. There are also whispers of older siblings. I would give them the side eye if they ever tried to contact me.
Geez seems like everyone had a rolling stone daddy... Im an only child to my mom ..but daddy gransal has four others of his own with different women one who I got to know on facebook two years ago ... I just consider them my half siblings and I dont push any relationship and they dont either ....they didnt come from my mother and we didnt grow up together we're all basically strangers but blood related and share the same father ... we keep it moving
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Im A Brown Girl