The Mayor Of Florence Wants To Destroy The Cast Of Jersey Shore

April 19, 2011 / Posted by:

On May 8th, together as a nation we will pry 8 swollen warts off of our armpit and toss them across the ocean to Florence, Italy where they will wreak havoc upon the people and suck the booze out of the city until all that’s left is a few dried-up grape vine roots. Or maybe not. The Mayor of Florence, Matteo Renzi, has agreed to let Snooki and her band of humping drunktards past his city’s front gates as long as they follow a strict set of rules. A strict set of rules that will most likely result in those whores turning into a dust that will be carried off to the spot where Sodom and Gonorrhea (Freudian slip that stays) once existed. Two words: NO BOOZE.

An Italian newspaper (via Gawker) posted the conditions that the Jersey Whores must follow:

The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol.
The cast will not be filmed drinking in public.
The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town.
The show should be filmed in a manner to promote Italy (not Americans visiting Italy) and feature its culture and good food.

So they’ll have to fill their veins with the sweet nectar in the privacy of their hotel rooms before they go out? They’ll be like an 18-year-old me who couldn’t find a fake ID, because I’m too ethnically ambiguous. I found a match in my friend’s 40-something cleaning lady, but she refused to give up her old ID. Selfish.

Anyway, Snooki without booze is like SNOOKI WITHOUT BOOZE. She’ll be fine for a few seconds, but the the itch for alcohol will be too much to bear and she’ll start attacking those around her to suck the vodka directly out of their veins. Like a drunk zombie blob on the attack.

We should send Mayor Matteo a thank you card in advance.

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