In addition to starring in a new Bravo reality show with Jewel (???), Kara DioGuardi (formerly of the American Idol DioGuardis) has a new memoir out called “A Helluva High Note.” Yeah, I’m a little underwhelmed with that title too. If you’re going to put out a memoir, you have to use a pun in its title. These are the rules of life. “DIOgraphy” and “Karafications” both would’ve worked. Something for Kara to consider if there’s a second printing. But I digress…
In between chapters devoted to unraveling the mystery of Simon Cowell’s hair part*, Kara writes about how she was repeatedly child touched as a girl and was later drugged and raped by a fairly known Spanish-speaking music producer. Is Paula Abdul going to drink the rest of that morning Vicodin tea, but I’m going to need a sip or two. Here’s a few excerpts from HuffPo:
The pre-teen assaults came at the hands of a family friend who was in his late teens.
“On one particular day, he took me into the back shed of his house and put his hands all over my breasts and vagina,” she remembers in the book. “I remember freezing and not knowing what to do.”
Later, as she was moving up the music ladder, she fell victim to a music producer with bad intentions and a secret supply of date rape drugs.
“[W]ithin a few hours, he was on top of me, pumping, sweating, and speaking to me in Spanish, not a word of which I could understand,” she writes of what was a terribly ill-fated business dinner.
This confirms what I’ve known all along: most sheds are nightmares houses where only terrible things occur. I don’t think I’ve ever walked into a shed and thought to myself (over the Nightmare on Elm Street theme blasting in my head): “I want to be in here!!!” My mom refused to pay someone to tear our backyard shed down, so I tried to de-terrify it with old yellow paint, Strawberry Shortcake curtains and plastic flowers from Pic ‘N Save, but it actually looked creepier afterwards. Like something out of The Lovely Bones.
Do we really need sheds? There has to be a better place where everyone can keep their dusty earthquake kits and rusted over hedge clippers.
* These chapters do not exist, unfortunately.