One of the questions I get asked the most by hos (besides, “Who do I talk to in order to have you committed for an infinite amount of time?”) is how the nickname Fishsticks Paltrow was born? I always direct them to Ted Casablanca who pulled Gwyneth Paltrow out of a freezer burned Gorton’s box many years ago and gave her the nickname of Fishsticks, because as he puts it she’s “cold, much too thin and overly white-breaded.” It stuck with me for those very reasons, and because I have a feeling that her words would go down easier if they were coated with tartar sauce.
And now worlds have collided! While whoring out her cookbook “GOOPing for Dummies,” Fishy told the Daily Mail that she makes homemade (of course) fishsticks for her family! Well, Fishy calls them “fish fingers” since she was dipped in Simon Cowell’s titty juice and baptized a Brit!
Gwyneth is delighted that I’ve tried her recipes – and we discuss the challenges facing every working mother who has the best intentions of cooking for her children, but invariably, pressed for time, opts for fish fingers. Gwyneth also serves fish fingers, but they’re always home-made.
‘I make a batch and freeze them,’ she explains. ‘But I think the main thing for mothers is to not stress yourself out. I honestly think that even ordering a pizza and sitting down together as a family is great. You’re not always going to have time to cook a meal from scratch.
You know, I’ve been thinking of retiring the nickname Fishsticks from my vocabulary, because it’s not a pleasant experience whenever I chew on an actual fish stick and tell myself that I’m eating out Gwyneth Paltrow. No amount of tartar sauce can cleanse that aftertaste. When you give a ho a nickname, you have to ask yourself, “By calling them this nickname, is it going to ruin food eating for me in the future?”
And I can’t call her “Fish Fingers,” because that nickname already belongs to my lesbian friend who once fingered a trick in a bar while sitting right next to me. It was rightly earned and I refuse to bestow it upon the likes of Fishsticks!