Brooke Mueller’s week of crackwhore shenanigans came to a close yesterday when she did the inevitable by checking herself into rehab for the (count as high as you can and enter it here)th time. Unless Brooke spewed out a dozen catchphrases on Ustream and booked a multi-city tour, rehab was pretty much the only option for a crackie like her. As part of her child custody agreement with Charlie Sheen, Brooke was supposed to squat over a plastic cup on Friday for a drug test, but she never showed up since the contents of her bladder could make a drug sniffing dog’s nose fall the hell off. Brooke opted for rehab instead!
TMZ says that Brooke is obviously trying to cover her own ass, because her child custody settlement is now in jeopardy. Radar says that the ramshackle warlock prophet has already made moves to get custody of his twins. A source says that Charlie Sheen’s lawyer will file documents asking a judge to turn custody of the boys over to him. Brooke’s lawyer is ready to argue that her mother is taking good care of the boys and Charlie has only seen them a handful of times over the past few months. The source went on to say, “Charlie has had enough with her excuses, period. Brooke refused to take a random drug test. Charlie’s attorney will use that as evidence that the boys are better off with him than with Brooke.”
Saying Charlie and Brooke’s twins are totally fucked is an understatement greater than a Catholic priest saying he’s okay with children. If Brooke keeps custody of the boys, it’s only a matter of time before they end up on the storage room shelf of a pawn shop in Inglewood. If Charlie gets custody, it’s only a matter of time before they end up wiping tears from the face of a naked whore after their daddy locks all of ’em in a hotel bathroom. I’ll tell them what my therapist told me when I was 13: “You’re screwed up beyond the point of no return so run with it!”
If Brooke needs a good reason for why she’s back on crack, she should just show the above picture to the court. Your brain’s natural reaction to being touched by Wonky is to instruct your mouth to put itself over a crack pipe as soon as possible. Scientists have proven this.