Fudgie The Whale Is Not Right For This

April 15, 2011 / Posted by:

Last summer, Carvel’s Fudgie the Whale and the childhood snatcher of Long Island got into a back alley knife fight after White Oprah abused Lindsay Lohan’s Carvel Black Card by trying to get another free cake for her son’s birthday. At the time, Fudgie the Whale wouldn’t even shit out a ball of chocolate ice cream into White Oprah’s mouth if she was dying of ice cream deprivation (there’s such a thing). But oh how things have changed, because look at what we have here. Fudgie and White Oprah are just laughing and smiling like they weren’t at each other’s throats a few months ago.

Even the children in the audience need answers. That little boy is definitely throwing a “this better be a trap and I hope Cookie Puss is going to bust through that door to handle a bitch” side-eye. And the little girl is raising her hand to ask what is the meaning of the foolery that is happening before her.

White Oprah and Fudge’s story is that they have joined forces to promote healthy eating in schools. Just call her White Michelle Obama from now on. Here’s the press from ProticaCares:

Dina Lohan appeared this Tuesday as a guest speaker at a kick-off event for a new charitable campaign, the ProticaCares Sweet Treats Giveaway program. Lohan spoke to a group of more than 100 K-2 students at the Brookside School in Baldwin, NY, about the importance of balanced nutrition and the combination of healthy and sweet treats as part of a well-rounded diet and lifestyle. The national program will send a Carvel® Ice Cream cake and a variety of tasty, healthy treats to a different U.S. grade school or children’s hospital unit every week for the next 75 years.

“Healthy eating and good dieting has always been something I’ve tried to teach my children,” says Lohan. “A strong body will give you a strong mind. The opportunity to work with the ProticaCares program and extend that message to children in my own community was an exciting opportunity that I wanted to be a part of. The event was a tremendous success, and I think ProticaCares will go a long way in educating children across the country that you can eat sweet treats but always in moderation and always with a good mix of healthy treats, too.”

Yes, because when I think of healthy eating I immediately think of White Oprah and ice cream cakes. GENIUS campaign! I mean it. There are zero granules of sarcasm in those last 3 sentences. I mean, a picture of Fudgie the Whale IS my food chart, so he’s the epitome of healthy eating to me. And I’m sure White Oprah regularly cuts the coke with cauliflower powder to make sure LiLo gets her daily serving of vegetables.

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