Reese Witherspoon And RPattz’s Sex Scene Sounds Hot

Reese Witherspoon recently WAH WAH WAHed out that she sits in her car and weeps mournful tears for the loss of her privacy, but ho really should be bawling at the fact that she’s swallowed way too many tablespoons of sparkly vampire sputum. The lining of Reese’s stomach now looks like the inside of a Twihard’s chonies after they fapped with a bottle of body glitter to the leaked Breaking Dawn sex pictures. Reese tells InTouch that shooting her big fake fuck scene with RPattz for that movie about elephants with cotton mouth was not unlike making out with a toad’s runny ass.

On the day they had to exchange fluids, RPattz’s fluids had a little extra something in it thanks to the cold he came down with. Reese oh-so-eloquently put it like this: “Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing. I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding! I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy.”

Are we sure RPattz isn’t allergic to Reese’s ass? You know, a Reese and RPattz hump scene doesn’t sound sexy in the first place, so him shooting mucus balls from his nose is just nature’s way of barfing. Oh, and that chorus of squishes you hear is every Twihard getting down to Reese’s quote. It’s going to take more than green snot to keep them off the body glitter bottle.