“They’re Not Prosthetics. They’re My Bones.”

April 13, 2011 / Posted by:

Here’s Lady Gaga ripping off the multi-titty goddess from Total Recall, Strawberry Shortcake and Pentaceratops in one full swoop for Harper’s Bazaar. The Klingon Madonna didn’t only deliver her manufactured avant-garde ridiculousness during the photo shoot, she brought it into the interview too and I’m pretty sure my eyes rolled more than those wandering nipple balls on her chest. It’s like she’s trapped in the worst World of War Craft role playing game and she’s the only one participating.

She should really have a safe word people can say when they can’t take her performance art act anymore and their nerves are about to rip out of their skin to wrap around their necks. (And by “safe word” I mean a slap to the mouth). You’ll see what I mean:

On the low-budget, recycled PROSTHETICS she glues onto her face and body: “Well, first of all, they’re not prosthetics. They’re my bones. They’ve always been inside of me, but I have been waiting for the right time to reveal to the universe who I truly am. They come out when I’m inspired. We all have these bones! They’re the light from inside of us.”

On if she’s ever chopped and rotated her nose: “I have never had plastic surgery, and there are many pop singers who have. I think that promoting insecurity in the form of plastic surgery is infinitely more harmful than an artistic expression related to body modification. And how many models and actresses do you see on magazine covers who have brand-new faces and have had plastic surgery, while I myself have never had any plastic surgery? I am an artist, and I have the ability and the free will to choose the way the world will envision me.”

On how Alexander McQueen lives through her: “I think he planned the whole thing: Right after he died, I wrote ‘Born This Way.’ I think he’s up in heaven with fashion strings in his hands, marionetting away, planning this whole thing.”

On living in L.A. for a moment: “I put my toe in that water, and it was a Kegel-exercise vaginal reaction where I clenched and had to retract immediately,” she says in a very vivid metaphor. “I ran furiously back to New York, to my old apartment, and I hung out with my friends, and I went to the same bars.”

This interviewer must’ve eaten an entire bottle of Valium and be a master at restraint, because how they didn’t rip one of those Jell-O molds off of her face and slap her with it is beyond me. Seriously, the bell has rung and high school drama class ended a long time ago.

Can we fast forward and get to the part where this bitch rips her mask off and reveals that she’s really Sacha Baron Cohen?

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