Fishsticks Paltrow admits that contrary to the fact that her picture is next to the word “perfect” in Webster’s Dictionary, the Baccarat crystal facade that covers her is riddled with imperfections! This is like finding out that swans queef. MIND BLOWN. Instead of just straight telling you what Fishy’s main flaw is, let’s play a game. Below are 8 possibilities for you to choose from. GO!
a) Sometimes she sneezes in an American accent.
b) She once watched a McDonald’s commercial in its entirety and didn’t roll her eyes once.
c) Whenever her polenta (which she grounds herself using organic corn from her roof garden) refuses to not be lumpy, she whispers into its lumps: “Why won’t you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta.”
d) She made the decision to marry Chris Martin.
e) When she takes a day trip to India to meditate with the Dalai Lama on a grassy knoll in the hills of McLeodganj, her stubborn British tongue makes it impossible for her to say “thank you” in Tibetan without an accent.
f) Her shit “plops” instead of “dings” when it hits the toilet water.
g) Her palate can’t tell the difference between Evian and Volvic.
h) She doesn’t get an allergic reaction in the form of a crotch rash when she puts on a pair of polyester panties.
If you answered, “ALL OF THEM,” you’re probably right, but Fishy only admitted one to USA Today in an interview. Fishy went with “c.” Fishy wishes that everything she touched turned to perfection and it kills her that it doesn’t. Of course. Midas is laughing his ass off at her right now.
“One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that’s the ironic part. I’m so deeply flawed. I’m just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who’s trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There’s absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard.”
Fishy shouldn’t be so hard on herself. Especially, because at last night’s Shine On event (judging by her greasy ass face, she obviously thought it was a theme), she was every shade of perfect. Looking like a lubed-up uncut peen with extra droopy foreskin while posing with Meryl Streep and Kathy Ireland = PERFECTION.