That Time Of Day When GOOP And Jay-Z Masturbate Each Other’s Egos

April 12, 2011 / Posted by:

The extra hung egos of Jay-Z and Fishsticks Paltrow crawled into a shrine to themselves and spent a good hour or two non-stop jacking each other off. Every few minutes, a certain verbal stroke (example: “You are the coolest man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?“) would make one of them ejaculate a GOOP bomb and they’d keep on going. By the end, the inside of that shrine smelled like organic smugness and self-entitlement. If that image is enough to shower your monitor with bile, then tell your stomach to save a little for the interview, because that shit is worse.

As part of the launch for his new lifestyle website Life + Times, Jay-Z let his friend Fishy interview him for HER lifestyle website GOOP. Ugh. What resulted was a bukkake of self-satisfaction. Read ’em and let your stomach weep barf tears up into your throat.

GP: Life + Times is incredible—aesthetically, culturally … When did you get the idea to start it and how long have you been working on it?
JZ: I started working on it in its various incarnations over a year ago. I’ve thought about it forever. You know how it works, seeing other sites and being either inspired or saying, “That’s shit. I would do it like …”

GP: I love seeing everything through your filter, how do you decide what you are going to cover? How personal is this?
JZ: Well there is a basic metric for what we cover but, more importantly, I believe it’s how we cover it. The DNA is to basically let the subject speak for itself. We don’t want to tell you what to think. As far as how personal? I would say it has to pique my interest.

GP: As someone who has walked through museums with you, eaten with you, heard music with you, I know firsthand how creativity in all areas lifts your consciousness. Do you feel that as a cultural figure of importance it is part of your responsibility to share what inspires you?
JZ: I think it’s every human’s job to inspire others, to feed one another’s senses. Inspiration begets inspiration times infinity. Imagine if the person that was inspired to create the phonograph didn’t share it with the world.

GP: In one word answers, name someone or something in food, music, art and design, style, and sports that inspires you today and your favorite spot to be leisurely.
JZ: Food: Batali (he’s like a rock star)
Music: MARLEY (the perfect blend of love and gangster)
Art: BASQUIAT (where music and art met and fell in love)
Style: MARC JACOBS (he takes the Bronx experience like 40 below boots and bubble gooses and puts it on the runway)
*Disclaimer: I know it’s one goose 2 geese..
Sports: Muhammad ALI (enough said)
And my favorite spot to be leisurely is wherever family, friends, good food and wine are.

GP: You are the coolest man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?
JZ: I’m around great women, starting with my mom. Women keep men cool. The hotter the chick the cooler the guy … that sounds like a really bad rap line!

Jay-Z also asked Fishy a few questions for his site including how she got into hip hop (“I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was about 16 by some boys who went to collegiate.”) and about her singing skills (“When I sang with you one night at the Royal Albert Hall a few years ago, it was so terrifying.“)

Jay-Z and Fishy proved that one of their hidden talents is articulately speaking while their tongues are up each other’s assholes. I mean, what the fuck is this?! “Do you feel that as a cultural figure of important….” Get a room, you two! Preferably a windowless room with no keyboards or recording devices in it.

They really need to put their 12″ inch egos away before they start to make Kanye West feel inadequate.

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