Hayden Panettiere is 5’1″ and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko is 6’6″, so the image of her balancing on all fours on two plastic crates while he hits it from the back might fill your head when topic of them having sex comes up, but we pretty much know how it works. Right? Right. But some of Hayden’s fans need to be taken into the corner and given a sex ed. class using a treasure troll doll and a Stretch Armstrong, because they have no idea. The mystery of how the elf mounts the giant plagues them so!
Hayden was on Ellen (via UsWeekly) today and talked about how some of her fans ask her how it works. Hayden basically tells them my life motto: where there’s a peen, there’s a way!
“He is quite a bit bigger than me. I get the prudest people coming up to me and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’ Yeah, it works. We find a way. Where there is a will, there is a way!
[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know. Like, ‘I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I’m really sorry but…'”
It’s really not that hard, people. Wladimir lies very still on a hard surface and two trapeze artists hang from silk ropes on either side of Hayden. Then a couple of leprechauns with steady hands hold Wladimir’s dick up as the trapeze artists gently lower Hayden on top. But they can’t put her down all the way or Wladimir will do vag-to-mouth without even pulling out. Internal organs would get rearranged and tonsils would get knocked out… It wouldn’t be a good thing. There’s always an ambulance from the doll hospital standing by if that ever happens. SEE! Simple!