DWTS: Xenu’s Voodoo Magic Against Kirstie Alley Is Working
For the second week in a row, Kirstie Alley’s Dancing with the Thetans’ performance went about as smooth as John Travolta’s yearly prostate exam. Kirstie crushed her Thetans last week when she hit the floor after Maksim’s leg muscle quit that shit, and last night her shoe came off halfway through her waltz to the Bellagio water fountain song. Someone is trying to ruin, Kristie! (Cut to George Lopez and Xenu filling the foot of their Kirstie Alley voodoo doll with kitchen sink lard so that it swells up and pops her shoe off).
Kirstie gracefully glided out onto the stage like Ursula trying to seduce Ariel’s voice out of her froat, grabbed onto Maks (who was dressed like a bus boy at Knott’s Berry Farm’s finest restaurant) and sprinkled the dance floor with the magical powdered sugar that flies off of her feet. Kristie then slid onto the floor and I thought she was going to pull a Slim Jim out of her shoe or some shit. But Kirstie’s strap refused to cooperate and she quickly tried to fix that mess before her next move. Who ever is in charge of welding that shoe to Kirstie’s foot is totally out of a job this morning.
Kirstie picked up and continued without anymore issues. The judges gave her 22 out of 30. Afterward, Kirstie joked to UsWeekly that someone is trying to Showgirls her:
“I think it’s a conspiracy! I think the other girls cut my shoe!
I don’t know if I handled it well or not well! When your shoe comes off, you either put it back on or you take it off, one or the other.
But seriously, I don’t want to be that girl! I want to win. And I want to win by being the best! I got an 8 — but I can’t help but think if I did the dance correctly, we could have gotten some 9s. I really do want to be a good dancer and I’m working on it.
I don’t want to become the mercy fuck. I want people to vote for me because I’m good. I really do!”
Kirstie could come out on stage in a Nazi uniform and tear a picture of the patron saint of everything Bea Arthur before making out with Chris Brown on the slaughtered carcass of a baby unicorn, and she’d still win the night. Kirstie is going to take this shit. Something tells me that the Scientology audits now involve calling the DWTS voting line and pressing #8 for Kirstie.