When the chunk started melting off Kelly Osbourne and she eventually shrunk to the size of a dormouse’s pinky, there were some hos saying that she got there from bypassing her gastric like her mom Sharon Osbourne did. At the time, Kelly bagged those rumors with her old big girl jeans, threw it in the river and watched it drown. Kelly basically denied all of this. But now the extremely reputable news source The Daily Star (I know, I know…) is hearing that Kelly is considering cinching her stomach, because she’s gained a few pounds.
One of the reasons why Kelly want to pinch her stomach is because she just got a job as the new face of Madge’s clothing line and she’s afraid she’ll get dropped for a skinnier ho. Okay, there are many reasons to get lap band surgery. But one of them is not so you’ll lose a job as the face of a brand that is only sold at fucking Macy’s. This much I know. But let’s read what some source said about this shit, anyway.
Kel’s at her wit’s end over her weight and is worried she’s putting back all the pounds she fought so hard to lose,” a friend told the Daily Star Sunday. “She’s recently been on holiday and put on almost a stone while enjoying herself.
“She got a bit of a shock when she got home and realized she couldn’t fit into her new clothes. Kelly knows a gastric band would be drastic but she’s desperate to keep the weight off.
“Being the face of Madonna’s range just adds more pressure. She’s scared of getting axed in favor of someone skinny if she puts on more weight.”
I love how the source called her “Kel” to make it sound more authentic. That is an excellent trick. But if this mess is true, then “Kel” is not only a sad kind of crazy, but she also better book me an appointment with her back alley gastric band doctor too. My bloated stomach looks like if a party clown blew up a skin balloon with hot beer air and shaped it into the shape of a newborn’s swole head. So if Kelly needs it, so do I! Or I’ll just get me one of those DIY gastric bypass kits.