Charlie Sheen Is Back To Bombing
Charlie Sheen was already ran the hell out of Detroit after his Violent Torpedo of Shit show sparked a boo riot bigger than the one Aretha Franklin used to bust out when Lafayette Coney Island ran out of chili. Charlie sort of rebounded a little by getting standing ovations in Cleveland and Columbus, but the dehydrated warlock refugee was once again knocked off of his mercury surfboard at Radio City Music Hall in NYC last night. From the reviews I skimmed through, it seems like some of the audience (the hos who lubricated their souls with potent mind-altering substances) jumped onto his crazy train, but most of the audience filled his ears with a familiar sound: BOOS!
When Charlie claimed he was off of the bad shit and completely drug-free, he got hit with a wave of boos. When he talked about the time he screwed a pregnant hooker in Mexico, BOOS! And when he said that Nicolas Cage actually came up with the term “goddesses.” BOOS! I’m not sure what kind of crackhead shenanigans the audience expected, but whatever it was Charlie did not deliver. Charlie must’ve realized that most of his audience wished they were locked in a bathroom at the Plaza Hotel instead, because he squeezed his warlock ass cheeks and cut that shit short after an hour. A couple of dozen people gave him a standing ovation, but most of the audience walked out with their booos leading the way. New York Magazine talked with a few of the fools who dropped their dollars into Charlie’s collection cup last night:
When the show ended, almost exactly an hour after it began, the crowd hurried out into the lobby. ”I thought it would be so bad I thought it was funny,” one man said to his date, ”but it wasn’t even.” “The stories weren’t even that good,” another complained. “He obviously needs a script,” a Two and a Half Men fan observed. Outside Radio City, TV cameras swarmed around asking for people’s impressions, as others huddled around to watch. “It was embarrassing,” one guy said. Another countered, “It was hilarious.” On her way down into the subway, a man asked his friend, “What were people expecting?” She replied, “Something better than this?”
The “something better than this” girl was obviously hoping for the kind of crack damaged performance you’d get from a 60-something junkie sitting next to you at the counter of a diner in Herald Square at 3 in the morning. Like the old drunk at the diner who asked me to buy him a coffee and when I said I would, he
told me to make it a double whiskey instead. When I turned down that request, he said he wished my mouth will never get a dick hard again (Like my mouth ever got a dick hard in the first place. Joke’s on his ass!). If that’s what Charlie’s audience wanted, they should’ve went to a diner in Herald Square at 3 in the morning instead.
And since we’re here, would it hurt Charlie Sheen at all to use some of that tour money to buy his goddesses better clothes. Last time I checked Aphrodite and Athena didn’t go around dressed like rejected extras from Clueless and The Baby-Sitters Club. One looks like she was just rescued from a child sex trafficking ring and the other one looks like a To Catch a Predator decoy. Only PedoBear’s ass would consider those two as “goddesses.”
