Now, I haven’t read Fishsticks Paltrow’s Ode To My Perfect Life (No Poors Allowed), because I can feel bad about my diet for free by calling my mother up and telling her what I had for lunch. But Eater must’ve been behind on their eye rolling exercise for the week, because they dipped their retinas into the imported copper pot of naive pretentiousness and pulled out the best (see: worst) quotes.
From their review, half of it sounds like something a rich Jane Austen character might say when you ask them what they did for summer. The other half sounds like a charming tale the mistress of the house would tell her chamber maid after her car ran out of gas and she was forced to seek help from a farmer and his wife who served her curious things like hot dog buns and bacon.
All of Eater’s favorite lines are at, well, at Eater, but here’s the ones that really made me choke on my store-bought frozen breakfast burrito cooked in the electromagnetic wave burning oven on top of my refrigerator. If you read some of these quotes out loud, you will find the tip of your nose slowly rising up away from the peasants below, slap yourself with a hot dog to come back down.
GP: “One year I was given a birthday present I’ll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver.”
Me: I’m surprised she didn’t lie and say “Ina Garten” to really stick it to that heartbroken sick boy.
GP: “I’m not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it’s incredibly delicious.”
Me: There’s an especially lonely bacon-free place in the depths of Hell for anybody who gives bacon a back-handed compliment.
GP: “I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun… except hot dogs (sorry, Dad).”
Me: This reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom would always always buy too many hot dog buns for birthday parties. For the next few weeks, we’d get a hot dog bun with everything. A hot dog burn with our spaghetti, a toasted hot dog bun with grape jelly in it for breakfast, a low-budget Subway sandwich made with a hot dog bun and turkey slices… But I doubt that’s what Fishy is straight queefing about. She probably just fills a hot dog bun with fresh lobster flown in on her private jet from Maine and Vegenaise. Or she’s a down low fast food freak and puts Chris Martin’s dick in one after hours.
GP: “One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites.”
Me: And at that very moment, salad nicoise had a nightmare about being eaten by Fishsticks Paltrow.
GP “One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn’t thought of dessert.”
Me: That one is from the chapter titled: “Being a rich white lady is hard.”
GP: “We’ve got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”
Me: Why am I having hopeful flashes of the final scene from Hansel & Gretel?
GP: “When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat.”
Me: Maybe I’m becoming numb to Fishy’s verbal acts of snobby ridiculousness, but I didn’t really think most of these quotes were that bad until my eyes landed on this one.
Sometimes you just have to end a post with a good-old fashioned I CAN’T. Because, really I cannot. But you know who can? Taylor Swift, because she’s going to snatch that line for her next song.