Everybody’s Leaving “Today”

Soon the halls of The Today Show will only be filled with the memories of Meredith Vieira’s nervous laugh and Matt Lauer’s flirt eyes, because the two of them are not interested in signing their names on another contract. At least that’s what the media is saying. Yesterday, TVGuide said that Meredith won’t be renewing her contract this year, because she wants to spend more time with her family and is sick of going to work at the hour of the whore walk of shame. I mean, if you’re up at 4, you want to be doing the whore walk of shame instead of going to a job. And now Entertainment Tonight says Matt Lauer will leave Today at the end of 2012, after 15 years on the show. Who’s going to be glib? Who’s going to cross their legs and throw “come hither on my crotch” looks at models? These are the questions.

Today would not comment on contract negotiations and only said that as of now there’s no changes to their cast. But that hasn’t stopped anyone from speculating replacements. Ann Curry, Savannah Guthrie, Kathie Lee Gifford (that one is brought to you by my wishful thinking) and Natalie Morales have all been tossed around as possibilities for Meredith’s replacement. But you know, I don’t think they need to replace Meredith or Matt when/if they leave. Just cancel that whole shit and give all 4 hours to WILLARD FUCKING SCOTT!

YES! And we never have to worry about Willard going away, because he’s going to live forever. Willard has proven that the secret to a long life is saying “Smuckers” every damn morning.