Suri Cruise’s eyes might be saying “Isn’t this special?“, but her finger over her mouth is loudly screaming, “How. Tragic.” From Jim Toth looking like a shaved monkey getting his daily protein by nibbling the gnats out of Reese Witherspoon’s hair to Hello! Magazine erasing the Barbie from her dress, Suri is not amused. If People insisted on pushing Suri into the corner, they could’ve at least used a picture of Reese that didn’t make her look like the love child of Skipper and Mr. Potato Head getting assaulted by a Monchichi. No, she looks pretty. I’m just every flavor of bitter, because Jake Gyllenhaal should be the one with a veil on his head on the cover of People. And Reese knows it! That Ore-Ida chin of hers has got a dollop of smugness directed at JAKE! Something tells me Jake will be shouting a raw rendition of Whitney Houston’s “It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay“ at this cover today.
And here’s the newly married Reese at the ACMs in Las Vegas last night with RPattz! Either RPattz is stoned drunk or he’s trying to wrestle out a fart.