“I Already Got Your Fucking Money, Dude!”

April 3, 2011 / Posted by:

Charlie Sheen’s Torpedo of Truth” launched in Detroit last night and quickly turned around and bombed right in his dilapidated crackhouse hot place of a face. People who paid anywhere from $80 to $600+ for a ticket must be rubbing Cortizone on their wallets this morning, because they were violently dry fucked by a fraudulent warlock who put on a shit show that was so disastrous he made everyone wish they were watching an episode of Two and a Half Men instead. It sounds like the only way it could’ve been worse is if Julie Taymor pushed a flying Spider-Man from the rafters.

Entertainment Weekly was there and according to them, there was already shit in the toilet before the show even started. The comic that opened the show BITCH BOO BOMBED so hard that Charlie had to come out and tell his followers to give the dude a chance. They didn’t and the tap-dancing clown from the Apollo was ready to catch a flight from NYC to pull that bitch off the stage, but the comic went on his own. What followed after that was a rambling mess full of random movie clips, kissing goddesses, Charlie repeating his catchphrases over and over again. Here’s a piece from EW’s timeline:

9:20 — People start booing Sheen. Not playing around, but actually booing him. Sheen yells, “I already got your money, dude!”

9:23 — We are watching video of Charlie Sheen playing Call of Duty.

9:35 — The show has become a padded and disjointed mess. Sheen plays an old short film he made called RPG starring a young Johnny Depp but the audience gets frustrated and starts booing. Sheen stops the video and says, “Okay, so RPG was a bomb. Tonight is an experiment.” One is reminded of Torpedo of Truth’s subtitle on the marquee outside: “Defeat is not an option.”

9:40 — Sheen says he’s going to “Tell some stories about crack. I figured Detroit was a good place to tell some crack stories.” This comment, not surprisingly, does not go over well. “Show of hands who here has tried crack?” Very few people raise their hand. “I don’t do crack anymore, but this is a good f—ing night to do some crack.” The audience boos.

9:43 — Sheen tells the audience, “You paid your hard-earned money without knowing what this show was about.” He asks if people have any questions. A girl from the audience asks for his best pornstar story. Sheen doesn’t want to tell that one. He’s starts telling a story about getting his car stolen — he says the story involves crack — but nobody wants to hear it. Another woman asks for a hug. He gives it to her and that’s nice — pretty much the whole audience could use one at this point.

9:50 — The show appears to be almost over. More padding, rap tributes to Sheen from YouTube. He plays a video that intercuts his 20/20 interview with new footage of him being obnoxious to Andrea Canning. It’s amusing at first, but drags on too long.

10:03 — The show is now an unmitigated disaster. There’s a fairly steady stream of people leaving early. Attendee Chris Acchione, a self-described Sheen fan who traveled all the way from Toronto for the show, says his entire mezzanine row walked out. “He’s making a fool of himself,” he says. “Is there a bigger loser in the world? He’ll be [begging] Chuck Lorre for his job back by the end of the week.”

What’s the opposite of winning again?

The best part? The grand finale in this empty crack pipe disaster was SIMON FUCKING REX rapping over a “song” Charlie recorded with Snoop Dogg. When your finale is Simon Rex rapping and not remaking a scene from his Sebastian days, you know you’ve got a bomb that even Jeremy Renner would run from.

There’s clips on MSNBC and ONTD if that’s what you need to see this morning. The moral of the story is, before buying tickets for any show ask yourself first: “Can I see this for free on public transportation at 4 in the morning?” If the answer is “yes,” then put your credit card back between your cleavage and go ride public transportation at 4 in the morning instead.

And somebody should check on Chuck Lorre, because he’s probably choking on the non-stop laughs out of his mouth.

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