Have you ever watched the “adrenaline shot to the heart” scene from Pulp Fiction and thought to yourself that it would make so much more sense if it starred Kelly Osbourne in the Uma Thurman role and Courtney Love in the John Travolta role? No? Yeah, me neither, but Courtney Love says it really happened like that. The truth is, Courtney’s hallucinations probably crossed paths in the dusty bowling alley dance floor in her brain and shit got mixed up, but listen to what she has to say anyway.
During a Q&A with fans on VYou, Courtney was asked how long she’s been sober. Courtney answered since October ’05 and then her crazy train crashed at full speed into Kelly Osbourne’s station. Apparently, Kelly and Joan Rivers called Court a “crackhead” during E!’s Fashion Police the other night and bitch didn’t appreciate it. Court went into some mumbling rant about how she saved Kelly from dying of an overdose twice! Courtney is a regular Dr. Quinn of the crackhouse!
According to Court, Kelly took a little too much blow and Oxycontin one night, and ended up foaming at the mouth. Court, being the Captain Saveacokeho that she is, did CPR on Kelly and “put things in her boobs.”
Can you imagine that scene? Like a MadTV skit. Courtney blowing even more coke dust into Kelly’s mouth in between suctioning her nipples with a turkey baster and sticking random syringes into her tits. If Courtney put her mouth on yours and blew, your lungs would turn into dust and the Grim Reaper would show up to cover you in a Hazmat tarp before dragging you into a hot Silkwood shower. So I’m not sure I believe that she’s the Vincent Vega to Kelly’s Mia Wallace.
Courtney then said that she’s sick of being the punchline and Kelly knows how sober she is. Courtney is so sober that she’s only had one bump recently, only been drunk a few times this year, drinks rosé and sometimes takes Sonata and Abilify. But that’s it!
There are two things I learned while watching this: a) I need to check my free clinic plan to see if they list Courtney Love as one of their back alley pharmacists of choice, because she really knows a lot about meds. b) If I ever overdose on coke and OxyContin, make sure Courtney is not around, because I really don’t want our tongues touching ever.