Enrique Iglesias Is NOBODY’S Opening Act

March 30, 2011 / Posted by:

After Britney Spears’ sleepdance and yawn-synch performance on Good Morning America yesterday, the USB stick inserted into her brain told her to announce that this summer she’s co-headlining a national tour with Enrique Iglesias. The part of you that still lives in 2001 freaked the hell out before changing the channel to watch the premiere of Six Feet Under. But three seconds after the announcement was made, Enrique Iglesias pried himself off the tour the same way an alley rat pried that mole off his face with its teeth. Enrique no longer wants to be a part of Brit’s beef jerky mime show.

TMZ says that the reason is because Enrique is a dramatic cunt diva queen who thinks his pussy poppin’ game is tighter than Brit’s and refuses to open for her or anybody else! Even though Enrique was billed as a co-headliner, he wants to close the show and not open it. A source said that Brit and Enrique’s team spent weeks working out the details of the tour including placement and money issues. In the source’s opinion, the deal was fair for both sides, but Enrique still thinks he’s nothing but an appetizer for the main course (which tastes like soggy fried chicken and grits made with lukewarm tap water).

But a different source tells Billboard that Brit and Enrique are trying to work things in hopes that they will bring the hottest tour of 2001 to the US. And here’s some EXCLUSIVO backstage footage of Enrique and Brit (I put your name before hers this time, Enrique, so don’t bitch) in deep and heated negotiations last night:

The conclusion? Brit’s got a case of overheated right foot. No, they didn’t get around to discussing that tour shit, but they’re on it!

Enrique really needs to fuck his ego orifice with an erect stick made of reason and get over himself! Think about it. Does Enrique really want to perform after Brit? Did he watch her on GMA and Kimmel yesterday? If he performed after Brit, he’d take the stage and find most of the audience in a coma that not even a Frapp injection to the heart could reverse. Fuck Enrique! Brit should get the Quizno’s singing rats to co-headline with her instead. They’d have way more delicious foods in their dressing room, anyway.

And here’s Brit doing the poop cocktail supreme stunt on Kimmel last night.

That Port-A-Potty really is a thing of magic, because Brit came out 20 pounds lighter, wearing a totally different color tank top and moved like she doesn’t have rigor mortis bones.

It’s a damn shame Brit didn’t do the Jackass stunt herself, because then her weave would’ve finally gotten a proper bath!

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