Connor Cruise’s Side-Eye Speaks For All Of Us

March 28, 2011 / Posted by:

Connor Cruise is really wishing that the Scientology gift shop sold super absorbent pads to slip under thetan-resistant g-strings, because he knows that his nose will be stuck to the AC vent on the SUV ride home now that Tommy Girl locked eyes and awkwardly touched hands Becks at the Lakers game in L.A. yesterday. As David Beckham’s vocal cords whistled out tales of Posh’s pregnancy cravings for ice cream fumes and diluted pickle water, Tommy Girl’s Scientolohole blew out massive amounts of prostate pudding while thinking about how he’d like to audit Becks’ nipples with his tongue. And Connor isn’t the only one who wished that he had a mute button for his senses….

Poor Suri probably didn’t get a wink of beauty sleep last night. Tommy Girl skipped into his boudoir, flopped on his canopy bed and sang out “I Could’ve Creamed All Night” while his man slaves dressed him in an assless onesie for bedtime. Hopefully, Suri punished Tommy by “accidentally” dropping her open barley water bottle on the hand that Becks touched. The hand that Tommy swore he would only wash in Becks’ saliva. If you hear a high-pitched “WHY?!!!!” shooting out of Tommy’s dungeon this morning, you know it’s not coming from Katie Holmes for a change.

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