The Baresoul Cuntessa!

March 25, 2011 / Posted by:

Q: What kind of charred heart devil person would turn down a terminally ill child?
A: Darth Vadar, Cruella de Vil, an Illuminati social worker and….INA GARTEN!

TMZ reports that the Make-A-Wish Foundation asked the Barefoot Contessa if she would grant the wish of a 6-year-old cancer patient by cooking him a meal. Ina waved her hand, blurted out “TOO BUSY!!!” and continued to pour vodka lemonade cocktails for her gay husbands at her Hamptons mansion. 6-year-old Enzo, who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia three years ago, asked Make-A-Wish if they would help him meet Ina Garten. Enzo regularly watches her show on the Food Network with his mother.

When Ina’s people told the foundation that she was too busy with her book tour to visit with Enzo, he said that he’d wait until her schedule cleared up. This was last year. M-A-W approached Ina again this year, but she once again said no before cackling into her cauldron full of the broken dreams of sick children. “You a cold ass bitch” – Freddy Krueger

Ina’s rep, Satan, tells TMZ that she can’t always grant wishes because of her schedule: “Despite her demanding schedule, [Ina] participates and helps as many organizations as she can throughout the year, helping children and adults like Enzo with life threatening and compromising illnesses. ”

One of Enzo’s relatives said that he doesn’t understand why Ina won’t meet him. M-A-W played nice with Ina by saying that she’s a good friend of the foundation and sometimes wishes don’t work out. Cinderella’s fairy godmother just passed the fuck out. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo-bitch-bye.

Enzo’s back-up wish, swimming with dolphins, will be granted. In other news, the Food Network has announced that on the next episode of the Baresoul Cuntessa, Ina will show us how to make roasted dolphin and a sauce made from childrens’ tears.

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