35-year-old Tiger Woods and his new 22-year-old girlfriend Alyse Lahti Johnson, seen above looking like a joint art project between Proactiv and Faces of Meth, go way way waaaaaaaay back. Tiger knew Alyse long before she had fat-headed brows and the complexion of lasagna. Alyse is the stepdaughter of an executive at Tiger’s sports management company. Tiger used to live next door to Alyse’s stepdaddy for years, and so he’s known her ever since she was a little girl. Alyse was a fan of Tiger’s and used to make him good luck crayon drawings before his golf tournaments. And now 10+ years later, he’s making sperm drawing for her! Ugh. That sounds like the happy ending of a To Catch A Predator fairytale book written by PedoBear.
One of Alysa’s friends tells UsWeekly, “They had photos in their house of their family with Tiger, but Alyse never said she was interested in him!”
Tiger started slapping his Ambien peen on Alyse after her stepfather re-introduced at a New Year’s Eve party.
Because the sideways fuckery of Hollywood has left me numb and desensitized, I’m not sure how creepy this is. Sure it’s gross in a “Celine and Rene” kind of way, but it’s not like Tiger kept the drawings in a special place in his basement and recently showed them to Alyse who noticed strange new Elmer’s glue stains (smells like bleach and goat milk) on them. It’s also not like Tiger recently got naked, grabbed a golf club, threw himself on a chaise lounge and asked Alyse to “draw him like one of her Crayon figures….for old time’s sake” Okay, thanks to that last sentence, I’m convinced that this belongs in the CREEPY ASS CREEPY box. Ask Chris Hansen to inspect this mess when he gets a chance.