The scampering of tiny feet in the sand and the wave of animalistic cries you heard last night was from the creatures of the desert heading for safe land after Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe climbed up to the tallest dune and held her newborn son up to the moon while letting out the first maternal roar of her species (sounds like this). RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!! The baby chupa is here!
After Rachel gently licked the chupa smegma off of her newborn (She spit it into a cup, of course. CALORIES!), she told People Magazine that she and her husband Hairy Bieber are the proud parents of a brand new baby boy! Their first son, named Skyler Morrison Berman, weighed in at 6 lbs., 12 oz. and is 20 inches long. Guinness Book of World Records was also on hand for this glorious occasion, because this is the first time in history that a newborn weighs more than his mother.
Rachel and Hairy Bieber released this happy statement of words:
Mom and Dad ‘LITERALLY’ could not be happier or more in love with their son!”
BANANAS! Mashed bananas, that is, since Rachel is a mama chupa now.
And about that name… I was hoping for Chiquita Chanel, but Skyler Morrison is the closest thing to that so I approve! Skyler Morrison sort of sounds like what someone would get in the “gay porn star name game” if they paired the name of the street they lost their virginity on with the last name of their favorite shoe designer. Mine would be Annandale Laundry (I’d tweak it into Annaldale Laundry, of course).