Michael Lohan should be sitting in a prison cell for regularly abusing our senses with his thrombosed hemorrhoid face and the delusion covered shit stones that belly flop off of his tongue on an hourly basis, but sadly the laws must protect human turds because he’s allowed to walk the streets. And last night, he walked right into his L.A. apartment and allegedly attacked his ex-girlfriend Kate Major (seen here getting scissored in the chin). This time, Michael kept his vagina kicking foot to himself and instead threw Kate across the room and choked her out with a towel. Oh, Michael is just following one of the 10 Cuntmandments: Thou shall choke your ex out with a towel if she tries to leave.
According to the police report, obtained by TMZ (duh), Michael walked in on Kate packing up some of her things. The used douche water in Michael’s system started to boil over and he freaked out, because she told him she was leaving for good. Michael allegedly grabbed her and threw her into a bedpost. When Kate tried to call the cops, Michael choked her with a towel and threatened to cut himself with a razor and tell the police she did it. Kate got away, drove to the police department and filed a report. Kate apparently had visible injuries on her body.
Michael was slipped into a pair of Lohan bracelets and was charged with domestic violence, false imprisonment and preventing the reporting of victimization. And as he was being booked, Michael conveniently started having chest pains and was taken to the hospital to be checked.
Oh, Michael, those aren’t chest pains. It’s just echoes from your prostate screaming about going back to prison again. Or maybe it was his heart out-loud laughing at his low-budget stunt queen moves. Either way, have fun.
Instead of sending Lindsay and Michael to prison, the government should put them in a laboratory where scientists will poke at them to determine what in their system makes them complete and utter FUCK UPS (and the government better not blame it on foreign coke).