If I ever make it to the age of 92, I hope that like Helen Staudinger I:
1. Know my way around a brown Sharpie
2. Have crazy on my side
3. Am passionate when it comes to the game of love
4. Just don’t give a fuck
5. Am not a good shot
You see, Helen’s neighbor, 53-year-old Dwight Bettner, refused her a kiss when she asked for one at his home in Ocala, FL last night. Helen did what any horny 92-year-old with eyebrows like a pony’s tail would do. She went home, grabbed her gun and shot at his carport four times. One of the bullets was just inches away from hitting Dwight.
Dwight told police that he screamed at Helen to “get the fuck out of his house” when she asked for some lip action. Helen knows Dwight has a girlfriend, but she believes he belongs to her.
Helen was arrested and charged with discharging a gun at a home.
Somebody better get a camera crew down to the jailhouse in Ocala, because I bet Helen does the best rendition of “Cell Block Tango” EVER!!!!
And when Dwight comes running into Helen’s carport to get that kiss (which he will), she better raise her pristine brow and tell him to get the fuck out of her house!