Season 590,989,999 of Dancing for Twitter Followers premiered last night, and it was mostly filled with stiff moves that only a necrophiliac could fap to (I’m looking at you, Chris Jericho) and awful Kellie Pickler impersonations (and now I’m looking at you, Chelsea Kane). But the big surprise came when 60-year-old Kirstie Alley and her partner Maks (who was dressed like a waiter on a 70s-themed gay cruise) busted onto the stage and worked and twerked it like John Travolta’s ass lips on a Dominican dick. Kirstie’s girdle has rips that are older than some of the contestants on that show, and she put them all to shame! It was Monday pizza party night in the Scientology men’s dungeon (and I mean this NSFW kind of pizza), and all the dudes took mouths off of the peenaroni for a second to cheer on Kirstie!
It’s not that I’m shocked that Kirstie can move (I mean, I’m sure L. Ron Hubbard blessed her with the twinkle dust that flies off of John Travolta’s heels a long time ago), but the inside of her head seems as cluttered as a Hoarder’s garage freezer, so I didn’t think she’d be able to focus and learn that shit. But she proved me wrong. Now on to the other side of rhythm coin….
Wendy Williams………. How….. dread…… ful….
I’ve seen discarded, water-damaged wigs that blow in the wind with more rhythm than this.