This Explains Everything

In Sammy Hagar’s new memoir Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock, writes about almost everything from Van Halen’s drug days to the “sex tents” under the stage. But one thing Sammy doesn’t really get into in his book is how aliens once abducted, probed and downloaded something into his head. This is what happens when you drunkenly stumble into a Scientology glory hole with your pants around your ankles. NO! Sammy Haggard says this really happened. Sammy’s co-writer wouldn’t let him get into the alien fuckery in his book, but he did tell the story to MTV Hive.

Put on your tin foil hats and get into this! If you don’t want to mess up your hair, put on your tin foil genital hats and get into this!

Okay, let’s just cut to the chase. I’m just going to come out and ask it. Have you ever been abducted by aliens?
I think I have.

What? Really? I was kidding. You seriously believe that?
[Laughs.] Now you’re making me sound like a crazy person.

How is that crazy? I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened to you.
Remember the story in the book, where I have a dream about being contacted by aliens in the foothills above Fontana?

Yeah, yeah, I’ve got the page right here. “I saw a ship and two creatures inside of this ship… And they were connected to me, tapped into my mind through some kind of mysterious wireless connection.” You’re telling me that wasn’t a dream?
That’s right. It was real. [Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren’t even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, “Fuck, they downloaded something into me!” Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. “See what this guy knows.”

And this actually happened?
That happened. That friggin’ happened, I’ll tell you right now. Another thing happened when I was about four that I didn’t put into the book. One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels. We lived out in the country and I saw this thing floating across a field, creating this big dust storm. I threw rocks at it and shit. And I don’t know what happened after that.

You blacked out?
I guess. I just have no memory of it. And that wasn’t a dream. It was during daylight.

I can understand your apprehension. Alien abduction is a tough sell.
Especially back a few decades ago, when this stuff happened to me. I couldn’t talk about it because I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t understand the technology. But now I’m pretty sure it was a wireless situation. Either a download or upload. They were tapped into my brain and the knowledge was transferred back and forth. I could see them and everything while it was happening. There was a visual involved, almost like … I don’t know. [Laughs.] Don’t get me going!

Sammy better look outside his window, because Shelley Duvall is parked on his driveway and using her car’s headlights to blink out the message “I Nanu Nanu You” in Morse code.

I ate at one of Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo restaurants before and afterward I felt like my ass was about to give birth to an alien, so this does make sense. But Sammy still has nothing to worry about. When the aliens tried to connect to his brain wirelessly they kept getting a request timeout error and so they moved on. No knowledge was transferred!